With an inability to talk to anyone at my location am going to try this as a way to reason out why I am so unsure of what to do... To make a long story short... This eveing I am participating in a a wire tap to put my hopefully soon to be ex husband of 33 years in Jail. My worry is that it will not work and than I'm really going to be in danger, that I am violating the Rede, that if I don't he will harm some others again, that all the things I have ever known will come back to haunt me. I have been trying to break the pattern of conditioning but I am so outside of everything I have ever known that I am just lost. I have no where accessable to me to go to, just to discuss my feelings, to reason out what has happened. Crying is not helping in anyway and I refuse to keep going with this flow. He has committed the crime of Arson and I am the only person that he has confided this info too. When it happened I knew in my soul he had done it in retaliation in my filing for divorce. He is also on Pain management with Oxycontin (hillbilly heroin as it is locally called)and about 7 other medications. I have read Lady Elaines piece on the pyschopath/sociopath and can relate some of this to his being one but after 33 years it is hard to accept that I have been living this for so long. If any one has some words of wisdom to ease a broken heart I would really appreciate it
Stranger in a Strange land

Tundrawoman

TundraWoman,
It sounds like your soon-to-be-ex is is on the receiving end of his own karma. I assume the police are the ones doing the wiretap. (If not, you have no business being involved). You just happen to be caught up in the natural order of things. People like him do not care whom they drag down with them. You need to get away from him and let him sink. It's not going to be easy, especially after 33 years, but you do seem to be taking the important first steps.

Blessings.
Monk

TundraWoman,

You are very wise to understand the potential harm your ex can do in the future and are brave to do what you can to keep it from happening.

You are not violating the Rede. You are saving people that may be harmed in future fires as well as your ex. If he has psychological problems or is being motivated to do such things entirely by the medication, having him localized to an isolated area where he cannot consume such drugs and cannot commit such crimes is helping him.

I am cannot say that you are completely out of danger. You are involved with a dangerous individual. Just try to be calm until it is all over. And, keep us posted so that we know you are staying safe.

It is of my personal opinion that you are doing the right thing .

Tundrawoman,

The first thing you need to do, is forgive yourself. You are not at fault, and not breaking the Rede. Protection of oneself and others is not breaking the Rede in any way shape or form.

I think if you would go to the section here called "Words of Wisdom" and read some of the posts there, it would help you immensely in gaining some of the strength you need to jump over this hurdle. You are a very strong woman, and I know you can follow thru on the journey you have begun. We are here for you....you may rant, cry, laugh, jump, and shout for joy when it is all over.

A dear mentor of mine Misty-Eve* (See the A Word to the Wise on the boards here as well) said something to me recently that helped me: "Whenever a door closes, stop lloking for the door and look for a window."

You need not dwell on the past and all the things that have happened. Look forward to the future and live in the now.

Bless yourself for being strong be grateful that you have assistance with the police for getting thru this, and even tho you may feel alone, you are not. It IS hard, I am not going to tell you it isn't. But once you see the joy in being free of such an opressive situation and forgive yourself for something you had no control over, you will be not only relieved, but reborn and allowed to become the woman you have been waiting to be. Then, you willbe amazed at the outpouring of love and appreciation from those around you.....

Please do not fear, be strong...and know you are doing the right thing for everyone involved.

Blessings Bright and Dark,

Just a quick note before I go to work.... Thank you all for your responses. Lady Elaine, I will get to the posts you suggested this eveing when I get off work. An update on the wiretap, Alaska State Troopers and I tried for three hours to get an answer and he is no where to be found at this time. We have an area wide search going on just to locate him so we can go forward. Because of past experience with law enforcement in this state I am a little underwhelmed with competence levels, but this Trooper is I believe, of the caliber I recall in my childhood in the wilds of Alaska. Because of incompetence in the past I have had to bear the brunt of previous attempts to stop the madness. At least where I am now he cannot reach me unless he gets permission from the Airforce and my employer. If he tries to violate those roadblocks it is a federal offence maybe I am safe now but only time will tell

Blessed Be
Tundrawoman

Well first may I ask for some extra prayers and support? As we are now getting ready for the third wire tap and the idiots think that after 33 years I don't know that what they want is not going to happen the way they think and this is going to just go to hell in a hand basket. I didn't realize that the ex had to slowly and carefully say into the mike "yes I did it. I commited Arson and conspired to commit more and I paid people to carry on if anything happens to me". Doesn't matter that he talked about being in the place and what he saw they want a total confession on the phone. Might of worked 6 months ago when I first told you you stupid ignorant AHoles but it ain't gonna work now.. And to top it off calling me all day long at work wanting to know why he would be going here or there jeez louise I got a job to do too and with just four people doing what used to take 70 people I'm kinda busy. hell I'm two hundred miles away on purpose how would I know? besides he naturally would not expect me to be calling him right now and talk to him about this subject. do you think what naturally might transpire might get more info? can any one spell DUH!!! Been here before guys and the last time you blew it 15 years ago I lived with the marks for a couple of years.... we ain't going down that road ever again no siree..... Yes I have informed the nice officers and they assure me that it will be alright but not one of them can assure me that they can protect me if they screw this up Hell just by helping them I'm violating my own restraining order and I hate to tell you they are only worth the paper they are printed on been there done that one too. two or three times now. Told them today that only one of three things will save me now 1 He goes to jail for a long long time. 2 he takes his own life because of exposure to scrutiny 3 the universe takes him out. Sorry bout that but writing this all out has helped with the AAARRRGH!!! factor. Now I'm gong down to the river and my garden and sit in the dirt and look at the beautiful sky and meditate on why I love the earth and just be

Tundrawoman

Oh goodness Tundrawoman, here's sending you much positive energy.

Sending you much strength and positive energy, TundraWoman.

ThundraWoman the strength and prayers of myself and I am sure the entire population here are with you. You truely are a strong woman to do this, think of the positive side of him being caught and imprisoned for his crimes. What a hard and scarey thing to have to do. I very much admire your strenght.

Prayers and strenght to you, I will light a candle for you and your safety.

Kath

Hi
TundraWoman

Merry Meet and Blessed Be
Be strong and do not fear, try to be calm the power of the Goddess are with you sis, you are doing the right thing for everyone involved.
Sending you prayers, strenght and positive energy, I will light a candle for your safety. Please keep us posted so that we know you are OK

Blessed Be
Hugs love&light
Dr�mm

*

To all of you, Thank You, as my stress factor has finally become tolerable. I believe that this will all work out in the end. Lady Elaine, I have been reading with great interest your suggested words of wisdom and been meditating on the banks of the river and in my garden. Seems sitting in the dirt is the best spot to be. Now if the rain would ease up a bit ,so it wasn't quite so muddy, my butt wouldn't be so cold. lol I now realize that this is part of my personal healing process, why? who knows but I am not going to fight it, just think before I act and try to remember "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I also now realize that for some reason I have to do this for something else further down the road of life. One of the "Gentlemen" I work with wanted to know why I had such bad Karma and my only reply for him was "maybe I am paying it forward so that I have a better life later" boy howdy did that shut him up fast. ( I use the word gentlemen for lack of a nicer way to describe him as he is one of my biggest DUH factors here at work)
So off to work I go and today a little melody is playing in my head and I am trying to remember to put a smile on my face so that my heart can follow.....
Again, thanks to all, for your thoughts,prayers and energy I do truly feel blessed

Tundrawoman

Greetings from the twilight zone

Well it has been some time since I wrote to you all and so much has happened that I don't know where to even start.... The universe stepped in and intervened in a big way. My husband passed away on August 1, 2007. And of course that has started a whole other chain of events including finding who he paid to continue on with his madness, yes it has been proven that he did so, but no idea who!!! so now I still sit out here in the wilderness waiting for the powers that be to unravel this tangled mess. I have taken to a lot of time in meditation working to change my personal views and reflect on where my path has brought me. I have also realized that my life came to a big fork in the path. And before I start traveling anywhere I have a responsibility to myself to stop and breath and smell the flowers on the way. Again I do thank each and every one of you for your words of encouragement and support in this still trying time.

Love and laughter to all
Tundrawoman

Greetings and salutations

Thank all of you for your inquires and well wishes.... My son and I are moving along in the stream of life. We have both been reflecting on what has happened and how to proceed best for our futures. Most of our time is being spent responding to all the legal and financial messes left behind by my husbands mental state of the last 5 years.....it has been staggering to find what he was up to. But as we are not perpetrators or conspiraters it will all be well in the end and life will resume. the best part has been the realization that when these loose ends a dealt with, a clean state or canvass for the future is ours to do with as we will....woohoo I can see all the pretty colors coming into being. In taking care of business have been not able to access the web with any frequency so do apologize for not writing sooner When I get home I will be back and following all my friends postings..... See ya in my dreams

Love and lots of laughter to all

Tundrawoman

Tundrawoman,
It's good to hear from you. It sounds like everything is falling into place for you. We are all glad for you, and look forward to hearing more from you.

Monk