Blessings all,

I just want to rant here because I really think my situation is unfair, tho I am open to bein told to shut up if anyone thinks I'm not seein things straight.

I've been friends with a guy for about 6 years, talking to him on the internet and generally bein there for him when things have been tough, as he's been there for me.  He came over to meet me in 2006 and we got on really well.  We ended up hooking up, tho nothin serious happened.  When he left, we both realised we were better off as friends.

Shortly aftr he left to go home, I met another guy over the internet from my area.  After a month or so of chatn, he asked me out, and we went on our first date.  A few months later and we were an item.  We've been together for over 18 months now, and the same arguments keep comin up.  He doesn't want me talkin to my internet friend, sayin that he's an ex and that i shudnt stil be talkin to him, cos he doesnt talk to his exes anymore (which i didnt tell him he had to do by the way, he chose to himself). I always wanted to give him his freedom, and I expected mine in return.  I dont talk to my proper exes, but my internet friend is one of my closest companions despite bein on the other side of the world.  I can tell him anythin and he doesnt judge me.  My bf already asked me to tell my internet friend not to call me pet names or say "love you" even tho we always used to.  I accepted that because it wud seem like we were an item when we're just friends.  But not speaking to him at all? I just cant do it.

My bf doesnt like me talkin to other guys anyway, and seems to think i talk about them all the time whe n im not with him, like im easy or sumthn.  He says he trusts me, yet when he gets the wrong mood on him he makes me feel like he really doesnt trust me, and that he wants me to speak to no other guys than himself and who he deems acceptable (ppl he knows, not necessarily ppl i realy kno.)  It really affected my first year at uni because I didnt feel able to communicate properly to any of the guys in my class, which is unfortunate when im doin drama and its all about communicatin and workin together.

I duno what to do.  Am I doing wrong by keeping in contact with my internet friend? I don't think I am, after all he's been there longer than my bf has.  Plus, my bf wont talk about us havin a future together, he just tells me he wants to be with me and doesnt want us to break up.  I dont want us to either but things like this just push me away from him and make me feel resentful because I'm a student and I feel like i shud be a lot freer than I am. I really need some outsdide views, cos I think I am so trenchd down in this that I just cant see or think straight. When things are good with my bf its amazin, he makes me laugh so much and we compliment each other perfectly.  But when its bad, it feels so crushingly dark that I can't see what I'm supposed to do, where its all going etc.  He doesnt mistreat me, he just thinks he has the right to tell me what to do when he doesnt.  Or am I bein a really bad gf by not doin what he asks when it clearly bothers him so much?  He always says that if sumthn bothered me he'd fix it with no questions asked, but I feel that if I give in I'm changing who I am to suit him, and when he cant even promise me a future then I dont want to lose things that are important to me because of him.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ok rant over, please give me any advice ya have, I need it so badly.

Foxi

Hi Foxi,

May I ask why you stay with him?

Anyone who places such restrictions on my friends would be out the door! He is manupulative and controlling, and also VERY insecure. You both need to have a serious conversation adn let him know how you feel.....if he cannot understand where you are coming from, perhaps you should have a temporary break in the relationship. Let things settle in for a bit, and then see later on if it is something you desire....

I personally would kick his ass to the curb and not look back.

Blessings Bright and Dark,

If its temporary and you stop talking to your friend then you will lose him when the relationship is over.  If its permanent and you marry the man then you will find marriage with him to be ten times worse.  Trust me.

Ditto what they said!

If anything in any relationshipp feels wrong then trust yourself it's not right!

This somehow seems the tip of a very large iceberg.

I appreciate the responses so far.  I stay with him because I've never been so close with someone before, we make each other laugh and we offer each other love, companionship, friendship.  I can trust him.  I love him, and he loves me.  It may sound like he doesn't from what I've said but I do truly believe he loves me, he just feels so insecure about how he feels that he's afraid to give me freedom.  This fight keeps comin up, and it's always the same; he wants me to stay away from other guys, and I want the freedom to choose my own friends.  Whether they are male or female, it makes no difference to me, its their character I respond to.

I just feel so conflicted.  Whereas my bf is acting like a petulant child about this, I know how sweet and loving he can be as well.  I just don't know if I can put up with the first one to get the second one.  I'm jst so unsure of things that I don't know what to do.  I've written a text message (SMS) and saved it to my fone, basically saying that I dont want to put up with it all anymore, and that we need a break. I haven't had the guts to send it yet, partly because I'm not even sure if a break is what I want.  All I know is that if I let it go like I have done so many times I'll be back in the same position in a matter of time.

Foxi

You have had very good advice above. Trust yourself. Accept nothing but the best for you.
Life ain't easy, nor hard decisions. But you have to make the best ones for you. Even though you connect well, the control aspect could grow worse with time.
Clear as mud, huh?

Blessings
Sundown

He may seem like he loves you but if he keeps demanding you stop speaking with your closest friend despite what you want than your best interest isn't what he care about but his own insecurities.  and honey, this is how all bad relationships start, with insecurity and demands.

And if he will not promise a permanent relation ship but wants you to break off a long time friendship that is a redflag to me.  you can do better.  There are plenty of fish in the sea and you need to be looking for one that respects your rights, not just makes you laugh.  if a Guy doesn't even respect your rights to choose your own friends what rights will he not respect in 2 or 3 years?  Once you give up one thing he will want you to give up more and more, that is the way it evolves in all manipulative relationships.

Foxi, this man may truly love you and just be insecure.  Some people are raised to believe that once you get in a committed relationship, you cut off all ties with people your age of the opposite sex.

That's giving him the benefit of the doubt.

On the other hand, he may be an abuser.  I strongly urge you to step back and look objectively at this man and your relationship.  Here is one of many good links that can help you.  If, after looking at some info, your head is telling you that you need to run:  as hard as it is, DO IT!!!!  Run while you still can!!!

Good luck to you, Sister!!

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm

I really appreciate everyone being so supportive here.  Looking at that list was interesting Girlfriend, and although I noticed a few simliarities with the milder ends of the spectrum, there are some things on there I know he would be disgusted of even thinkin about, never mind doing.  He's a fairly gentle soul; yes, he has a temper, but he's never ever violent, he just huffs for a while then forgets about it til the next time he's in a mood. (Which was part of my argument- he may forget what he has said but i dont, it just accumulates). Plus he knows that if he so much as raises a hand to me I'll be out the door.  He's not even allowed to swear in anger towards me anymore, I put a stop to that cos even though it wasn't ever at me, swearing during a heated conversation between us is still NOT acceptable.

I understand that abuse isnt just physical, it's mental too. He doesn't say things to intentionally hurt me, he's just clumsy with what he says and when the fight has died down he apologises for anythin he has said which was out of line.  Things are said during fights that people don't mean, I have done it plenty of times.  Still, I do feel dark after some things he says, though I don't think he understands that.  He just blusters about sayin how he feels and doesn't think about what he's doing until after, and still he needs to be told how it made me feel, because he's used to sayin whatever at home and just bein ignored (sort of middle child of 6).  I just have a problem lettin go of what he says even after he apologises.

Anyway, to update the situation at the minute, after our fight the other morning (which led me to write this thread in the first place), I told him I wasn't meeting him as we had planned that afternoon.  He was pissed off, n he went to work early so we didnt get chatn, which suited me just fine.  After he finished work, he txted me a short msg to say what he'd be doin that evenin, and I responded with plenty of coldness (he has to learn the consequences of his actions).  He clearly didnt even kno why I was upset. He was just mad cos I blew our plans.  Later, he rang and sounded in much better form, tho I stil wasnt up for talkin to him properly.  

Before bed, he txt me and I let rip.  I told him he clearly didnt care how I felt because he'd just ignored it all day, and that he was on thin ice, that he needed to start takin me seriously. He said he wanted things to be the way they used to be and that we shud sit down and talk about things. I said that the issues about my internet friend etc kept comin up and that sitn down and havin a talk wouldnt solve anything, and that the things he had said that mornin had hurt me so much I had thought of little else all day.  He replied saying that he was truly sorry, that what he said had come out wrong and was completely over the line.  He then sent an email because txts are too short, basically sayin that he was jealous of my relationship with the internet guy because he used to be close to girls liike that before he met me but had decided to not make friends like that while he was with me.  He said he knew this wasnt my fault and that he knew I was devoted to him and wud therefore not judge him for that, but that was all it was.  He envied my closeness with my friend, not because it came between us but because he didnt have something like that himself. That I can understand a lot more than what I thought was the issue.  I replied telling him i understood and that we would take the time to sit down to discuss our feelings in person so that we can move on as he had suggested before.

So we're in a better place at the minute.  He knows he can be honest with me, I think he's just afraid of bein honest because he knows his feelings are irrational a lot of the time.  He obviously feels bad for what happened, and took all of the blame upon himself for the argument.  We havent had a chance to sit and talk yet, but he was affectionate today.  I took it as another way to say sorry.  Although hings are better, I'm not saying they're perfect. I still wonder what happens next, will he do sumthn else to push me away and make me want a break? I hope not.  I hope this is a healing process.  We just need to clearly define our boundaries..

Please tell me what you make of all of this, its kinda hard to judge when you're involved like I am.  And thank you all again for your comments so far, you've been so kind.  Getting plenty of perspectives is really useful to me and any more 2 cents that people want to throw in are welcome.

Love, light and fondest blessings to you all,
Foxi

just be careful foxi, i truly hope everything works out, but just know that all of us felt our hair bristle as you told your tale...  keep your eyes open girl, don't forget that sometime "sorry" is just a word, a device, not everybody uses it with a genuine heart you know? I don't mean to imply that your boyfriend is lying to you, just that we as a species say what we think needs to be said to put off a confrontation. Whatever the outcome dear, please keep us posted, and know that whichever way the wind blows and however things settle out we'll be here for you, sendin out love and comfort anyway we can.

Blessings,
Kathartica

Where the light is brightest, the shadow is darkest.  Manipulative, controlling boyfriends are often the most charming (when it's in their best interest).  There are some clear warning signs here, and you had better go very carefully.  Trust me on this one.  If you ever find yourself compromising on your values or desires, break the tie immediately no matter how sweet he can be.  He will eventually have you doing exactly what he wants and you will lose your personal power and that will make it extremely hard to get away.  Been there, done that.  Not a fun process.  I know how much you want to believe in his goodness and the way he can make you feel when he's in a good place, and that's the dangerous part.  Stay with him if you want, but this really feels like thin ice to me.  Sending you love and light......

Hi Foxy...just thought I would put my 2 cents in...I have had the distinct pleasure?  (or not) of dealing with many guys over the years...it is easy to say Im sorry, I was out of line, I didnt mean it that way...yada, yada, yada...and I just wish I had a close relationship like you do...!
( boy does he know the strings to play here or what?   )

Heck, I can say this because It is what I DO! I can manipulate anybody! No matter how much I love them but if I so chose to? You betcha! And not a qualm about it....it dont mean I dont love them but that sometimes I want things MY WAY ! PERIOD! And it is a power thing....a real careful tightrope wire I tend to walk.

I have to make a conscious mental choice not to play my husband of 24 years....and most of the time I chose correctly..but if he step wrong? Or if I feel I want or need things my way? you just never know.  

Just to be honest..... it sounds like your so close to this that your doing the love-make escuses- scenerio...this is the way I have seen many start out. And I dont mean to say he dont love you..not saying that at all.....but the excuse making? "Oh I did'nt mean tooo... :" roll: I have a whole book of good ones that gets me my way and out of trouble everytime with anybody!
(When I choose to!)

This one needs to be handled with logic pure and simple. Emotions will always led you on a twisted path. From an old CRONE, Kim

Well guess it's safe to say you're honest and totally in touch with your true self there kim, lol. BTW glad to see ya back about.

I wrote a huge response and lost it all. Dangnabbit! So I shall have to summarise what I said before I lost it.  U've all made really good points and I can understand where ur comin from.  I wish he wud stay the person I fell for, Dr Jeckyll not Mr Hyde.  I just cant deal with his huffy temper tantrums.

Anyway, since he apologised we were getn on fairly well, enjoyin each others company etc.  Last nite I went round for dinner and we sat and watched some Lost on dvd. I let at 9 to meet a girl friend at my place so we cud go for a drink in the local bar, cos another girl from class was organisin a charity event.  We didnt get to the bar til about 9.45pm, but it was quiet in there, so we hung around til more ppl came.  Eventually we got up to dance, as I knew my friend needed sumthn to take her mind off her recent bad times. We danced for a while and because the music was good we stayed on for a while.  I had said to my fella i'd only be out for an hour, because I thought more ppl wud be there and I thought we wud meet aftrwards.  He had said earlier he had work to do so we wudnt be meetin up, so I thought I'd stay out longer.  He wasnt amused. He rang askin why I was still there, and wen I tried to say he said he cudnt hear me so he'd talk to me tomoro (We always call each other to say goodnight). I txt sayin I wanted to call wen he went to bed but he said no. So I stayed out anyway, and we ended up leavin around 11.45pm.  My friend walked with me to mine then got a taxi home.  I went upstairs to check my emails and saw he was online, so txt to ask if i cud call.  He wasnt any happier on the fone, sayin I had said I wud do one thing then had done another.  I said that wen it didnt affect anyone else, I had every right to change my mind.  He said "right" as in "end of conversation" but I wasnt havin it.  I went on ahead and said "ur only sayin that cos u kno i'm right and havent dun anythin to get annoyed about", to which he said no, he just didnt want to talk about it anymore. Fair enuf.. So I havent heard from him this mornin.   I kno I didnt do anythin wrong, and if he's gona punish me for nothin then I'm not standin for it.  

We're meant to be goin to the travel agents today to plan a holiday for the summer, and I duno what the point is.  I dont think we'll make it as far as that.  I want to, in a way, because the idea of losing the one I love breaks my heart and I cant help but want to cry just thinkin about it.  At the same time tho, I dont see the point in us goin on in this way, because its not doin me any good tiptoein round his moods. He takes everythin too seriously, and everything is an insult to him.  I want my freedom, but I'm afraid too.  
And I don't even know what of..

Foxi

Be strong Foxi, there's someone out there who's just right  for you.  Don't waste your time on someone who wants to control you, it never turns out happily.