Maybe this little site right here can help me get some of the awful anger out
that I keep bottled up.
First cause I really really really need to, the scream.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
Wish I could have done that outside, but it felt good to do anyway. lol.
Next, what I really really really want to say and canit, cause I dont want a punch in the face.
Dear husband, I hate you!!!!!!!!!. I hate you with all my heart and all of my mind and all of my soul.
I hate that you dumb me down all the time, dosnt matter if we're alone, or in front of people, you will do your best to make me look stupid.
Listen dumbass, I raised my daugher, took care of my mother until she passed, worked full time, owned a couple of homes, went to school, was a
nursing tech III for 15 years, ran two departments in adminstraion in a
major hospital, and was a county cop for tree years. Where in the hell do
you get the idea that I did not have a life or an ounce of intellegince before I made the mistake of believeing your BS and falling in love with you?
We have been toether for ten years, I am going to be 59 years old this year, your going to be 63, I gvie you respect, but get none back from you.
All I have learned in the ten years of marriage with you is that you are
the worst, and I mean the worst mistake I ever made in my life.
You threw my dishes out the backdoor cause I complalined that when I come home from work it would be nice to not see a sink full.
And you know that I canit leave you. Your 12 heart attacks, bypass surgery,
shoulder surgery and you health problems make it that way. And guess what A-hole you caused all those troubles yourself. You know that dope wasnt good for you when you were young, but you did it, and you knew that all the hard living would catch up with you. I didnt do any of that stuff, but Im the one paying the price. You have lied to me, used me as an excuse when you dont want to do things, made me look dumb and tell me I am not listening correctly to you, which means I am stupid.
Everything with you is bigger, badder, stronger, smarter. You are self
serving, self absored, self centered.
Let me tell you bubba, you are a little person, I canit even call you a man, cause I have know men, and you are not one of them.
I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe that will help for a while. I need to get some of this stuff out. Ten
years is a long time to keep crap like this in.
Sorry, if I offended anyone, didnt mean to.
But this did make me feel a little better, if only for the moment.

Blessed Be
Marioam.

Quote+ And you know that I canit leave you. Your 12 heart attacks, bypass surgery,
shoulder surgery and you health problems make it that way. end quote

Why? He is not fixable, and by the sounds of it, this seems to be one main reason for you not walking out the door.

You know what. give him a dose of his own medicine. when he turns into an ass, turn right back. When he throws your shit out the door, throw his out as well. When he calls you a dumbass, throw his past, and yours, in his face. If he hits you, game over! Can we say spousal abuse. It even qualifies under the mental abuse, and since he has done so in public, all those people can be called as witnesses.

Even 'third world Lousiana' has to keep up with present day laws and social realisms.

Who knows maybe having one more good temper tantrum will be his last.    (Sorry my Mom lived with an asshole like yours, and I suffered at his hand as well for 3 long years. I know about assholes like yours, only dif is, her's was violent.)

He only does this to make himself feel strong and important. Deep down inside he knows he is nothing more than a useless pile of flesh, wasted on him.

Is there any way for you to find even a part time job in your area?  Sounds like with your past, even private duty.

You are a strong woman M, you just have been fed such lines for so long, you have lost your power, and sad to say, only because you handed it to him on a silver platter, and keep refilling it on a regular basis.

You called him a vamp, he is luv, literally. Put space, or at least some strong ass sheilds, between you and him. If you stop feeding him, youll begin to see a major weakening, after a fierce flare up for his survival, in him. Stop tending him. Stop healing him. STOP being his lifeline, and become your own. Look to your past to build up your strength, even in posts like this.

Daily affirmations will be another means to build up your inner faith and strength.

When push comes to shove, he will lose in the end, and you'll find out, he's not near as strong as you give him credit for.

Look at all you've done for yourself, without him. You've got a strong past, and need to bring it to the here and now. And bull shit on his "health" He's a big boy let him deal with it. Your a strong woman, but his abuse will bring you down. Mental abuse can and does lead to physical illness. I know for a fact it does.

Here's something to try, it worked for me. Wash your own dishes, but not his. Wash your own clothes, and not his. Make your own meals, but not his. Live as if he isn't there. When he opens his mouth and spews his crap, walk out. Leave for a few hours. Treat him as if he's not there or he doesn't exist.

He feels crappy about himself, will boowho. Let him. But don't beleive for one second the bull he says about you. You know what you've done and accomplished.

I wish you peace of mind dear. An strength to find your way. You are in your Crone years, look to that beautiful wise Crone within you, listen to her, she will not guise you wrongly.

He sounds like my ex! And the crap he puts you through is abuse. Pure and simple. And guess what? I left mine after 25 years, in spite of the fact that he has severe diabetes, is an amputee, has had quadruple by-pass surgery and his reason for being in that physical mess is of his own doing in not taking care of himself. I nursed him for as long as I could. and he put me and our children through hell.

If the person you are living with is not doing everything in his power to make you feel good about yourself, then he must be doing the opposite and that my dear is unhealthy. Unhealthy for you. You managed to make a life without him. There is no reason you should put up with the crap he is dishing out.

Peace...

Well Marioam, you surely are in a pickle...... this is going to sound callous, and rough, but here goes.....

DITCH THE BUM!
He does not deserve your love..... the reason he is an ex dope-head is that he is insecure wimp looking for an "out" from self responsibilty, has done so all his life and will not change, especially we he can find someone like you to take pity on him.
Yes, it is pity, not love...... you cannot possibly love anyone that you do not respect and trust, and both those qualities are obviously lacking in this miserable excuse for a man, and in your relationship with him.

I have seen so many good women waste themselves on worthless pieces of trash like this. Almost any situation will be better than where you are. You might have a roof, but think of the effect that living with such a no-hoper is having on your children. They are better with no male role model than that one!

I know that in the USA it is more difficult for a woman on her own than in a welfare state like New Zealand, where I am lucky enough to live, but staying where you are is a road to misery. There is more to life than just staying alive, and you need to LIVE!

From your past job history it is apparent that you are a capable, intelligent and powerful woman. If you do not reclaim your independence, nothing will get better. You are in the same position as a slave, and need to get the hell out of there!

Sorry if I come across so strongly, but the thought of you in your present situation makes me more than a little angry.
I assume that this man is not pagan....he cannot be, for no man who truly follows the Old Ways would ever behave in that way. I also assume that you follow our Path, or you would not be a member here. The Great Mother of us all must be shedding tears at your plight, but of course She would never interfere, although once you make the first move, She will rejoice and be with you in your struggle.
She well knows the situation of even the smallest of her children, for they, and we, are all a part of the very essence of Her being.
Her love and strength is there, if you can just reach out and take it into your being.

My heart is with you, and my positive energy, which is about all I can do from this far away, for I am just an old Hedgewitch of Cornish and Romany blood. This Saturday I will be at Stonehenge Aotearoa, which is close to where I live, with upwards of a hundred people to celebrate the Winter Solstice. The energy there will be stupendous, and I will try in my humble way to direct some it to you in your need.
In the language of the indigenous people of my land, "Kia Kaha" (be strong) my sister.

Gwynvys Bos.

Bennath,

Marioam, take stock in the fact that you know EXACTLY where you stand. You may feel like he's sucked all the power and ability out of you, but look how passionately defined your stance is! Reread your post! Your resolve is defined, strong, and stable, not lost in a swirl of confusion and self doubt characteristic of many abusive relationships . Use this foundation, it appears pretty sturdy to me.

If you can't let shit fly right outside your house, go find a train passing by and scream at it. Find a shooting range and go buck nutty...  8765((( (hmm, this guy doesn't seem to make my point... more like this ---> (tank) ) Channel your frustration and anger into empowerment here in the physical realm...

...and take a tip from Guinavere.

The voices say this one's strong, she'll be just fine.

Oh you are all so great! Thank you for being here.
If it' ok, I would like to use this little board to work things out in my head and any comments and or advice you all can offer will help.
Your right of course, I am a strong woman, and that's why it's so very hard for me to accept the fact that I am an abused woman.
You know that old saying, " no, not me, never could happen to me". But apparently it has. And I am ashamed of that.
My area in Webster Parish is very very poor. We live on his SSA and I fight every month to keep the bills paid and everything going.

I must be honest with all of you. No lies here, no covering the blanket over my head. If Iam to find the solution I need to get my power back and
resovle my life, then total truth and total trust is what it must be.

First, although I have never left the Goddess and God, I have left their Path. Everything bit of engery and emotion I have had has been just
to surive each day. I have not taken the time for Them, to light my candles, to honor them, to be a Pagan or a Wiccan. I have treated them like
step-children who are simply there and not a true part of me. That is truth one.

Second. My hatred is all but consuming me. My husband has a saying. " If it takes a killing". He has already said that if I ever called the
cops on him if he ever hit me, he would kill me. He would too. He is not like a normal abusive man. He is diffrent believe me. I have known
dangerous men before when I was a deputy. My husband is the most dangerous man I have ever known. I am afraid of him, I walk on eggs.
If I dont rock the boat, I will be ok. I need to get my own Power back, that is the only way I can make it. Truth two, I am afraid of him. I have
never really admitted that before, how really afraid of him I am.

Third. Is what Im going through with a part of my Karma? I truly dont know. Was this just a bad choice, or was I ment to meet him
and pay back Karma. If I leave, will I disrupt what I am supposed to learn. I feel that I am learning nothing, only to hate. I was a
reasonable happy woman, poor, I had just lost my mom, but reasonably happy, I used to laugh even in the worst of times, I could find
the Light, but not anymore. I have no sense of humor anymore, no laughing right outloud, I keep pretty much to myself, my daugher and my grandsons
are my only friends. Am I supposed to learn something here? Is that why it's so damn hard for me to find the means to leave?
Third truth. Am I my own worst enemy here because I am not learing some kind of lesson?

I was mowing yesterday, when a rock shatterted the passanger window of my car. Last month I lost a beloved furbaby, my guinea pig, he was
almost six years old, but it was still a blow. I had a friend once, who told me that I was the only person she had ever known who do everything
right and things would still mess up. She said it was like I had this black cloud hovering over me all the time. I hope she was wrong, cause then
there is no point, I canit ever win.

Thanks for takeing the time to be here and I so appreciate your comments and I do take them to heart and listen to them.

Blessed Be
Marioam.

As far as the financial end, it might be right at the end of your fingertips, literally.  Look for work online, maybe...elsewhere.  I wouldn't stick around there where he is, if you can get out.  Maybe your daughter and grandsons can help you.  (Is your daughter aware of the depth of your problem?)

In my opinion, the urgency to which you are approaching this issue, at this point in time (where you are right now) is a beginning of strengthening.  And whatever karma or lessons you were supposed to learn has already come to pass.  It is time now to move on.  You, yourself, have set that boundary by reaching out to us, and it is time to move on.
There are many resources in an emergency, just in case.  (and here )

I'm glad you are utilizing this board to help yourself.  It's a great start!

Hi

Dont know which advise to give but those you have already got, gather your strength and get away.

I just wanna give you my deepest compassion, and my wishes for you getting a good life again.

Mickie

MMM......my feeling is that those unfortunate events that have happened are not "karma". For a real understanding of Karma, and its link with Prana (life force) you really need to talk to a Hindu.
In my experience, events like your lawnmower incident and similar things is often the Goddess/Universe giving you a poke in the ribs to get conscious and do something for yourself.
She well knows your internal angst, and the fear that you have of the creature in your household. You cannot be blamed for fearing his death threats, and I know that protection from the state is not as comprehensive in your country as it is here. Nevertheless, bide your time and lay your exit plans well, because in your situation you have to get it right.
I am well aware that the piece of paper from a court with "non-molestation order" on it is not bulletproof!

I am sure there must be some sort of women's refuge within reach. It will need to be a bit away from where you live of course, but as you are rural that would be so anyway. It is wise to do a "reconnaisance" and go see the refuge people before you make your move, if you decide to do that. In that way they will know you are coming and how many children you will be bringing etc.
Here in NZ, such organisations have safe houses for such as you, and the absolute legal right to keep your location secret from anyone at all, but of course I am not aware of the laws in your state, so it might not be as safe as it is here.

A big part of your man's strategy is to make you feel alone and helpless, and that is at the root of his threats, to stop you seeking help. The fact that the threats may be real makes it all the worse.

The "go to the range and get some of the rage out" is good as far as it goes, but could you confine your targets to the paper ones? The law tends to frown on anything but immediate self defense with a firearm, in my country and yours! Not that the ratbag doesn't deserve an intra-cranial lead injection, but life in jail will be no help to you or your children! (smile).

So... please don't feel that you have to suffer in this way because of some Karmic debt. We are all born with free will. I must admit that I have wondered if my own state of being (I am transsexual) was given me because I needed the lesson. I must say that the Universe continued to "poke me in the ribs" until I accepted who I was and did something about it. I am fine now, but until I did accept myself and act on it, everything kept going wrong, often in annoying small ways and sometimes in large ones like housing, employment, accidents etc.
Usually strings of mishaps are a sign that someone is trying to get your attention, and the need for that is because you are wandering off the optimal path for you.

Listen to our Lady, listen to your heart......neither will let you down.
Courage, Sister....we are with you. You can let it out here and relieve a bit of the tension, and I am sure that those that are closer to you than I am might be able to offer some more practical help.

Bennath,

Marioam, it seems to me that you have lost yourself. When we loose ourselves, we begin to forget that we deserve good things. Don't think that leaving an abusive situation will mess up your karma. Your karma will even itself out, or you can build up positive karma by doing good deeds and living your life right. Being abused does NOT make up for karma, it only crushes your soul.

My aunt's first husband was a member of the Irish mafia. When she began thinking about divorcing him, she found herself being followed by strange cars. Amazingly, she was finally able to divorce him successfully. For many many years she and her four sons suffered abuse from the man. Now she is in another abusive relationship. I will give you the same advice that I gave her. GO TO A WOMEN'S SHELTER. They will keep you safe and give you legal help where they can.

Do not allow hatred and fear to consume you, they will change who you are. Remember that you are a beautiful person and are deserving. Be careful, take your time, plan; do not say one word to your husband. When he is gone on a trip, or confined to bed or hospital, take the opportunity to begin setting things in motion. If you feel it would be better to be open to him, carefully mention that you would like a divorce. Talk to your local women's shelter or any friends who might be able to help you or who have knowledgeable acquaintances - such as lawyers or social workers.

In other words, slowly build a a repertoire of friends, acquaintances and allies and build up your knowledge store. When the time is right you will be able to strike and get yourself out.
In addition, it would be advisable to find yourself somewhere safe to stay and someone to stay with - don't stay alone if your husband is really that dangerous.

I have no authority to be giving this type of advice, but it's a place to start. You need to find someone knowledgeable about such things to talk to and you need to do it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. You do NOT deserve to be in this situation, karma does not punish you, it teaches you. You were not meant to suffer this way.

If anything, I would suggest that, perhaps, your karma is trying to teach you to be a strong person and to get yourself out of bad situations. You don't have to give yourself up and you don't have to suffer at the hands of another human being. You don't have to be mean or become a bad person. You do have to do what's right for yourself and what will keep you safe and happy - at least contented, if not blissful.

Best of luck to you sweety, we're all on your side.


Incidentally, didn't you write a while back about a dream you had. I think you titled the post "witches gate".  Maybe this is something you should look back at. Perhaps the "gate" is awaiting you still.

Again, I don't know anything about this stuff really, but that's what I have to offer. Best of luck Marioam and Blessed Be dear sister.