Or a dead sheep!

You Might be a Redneck Pagan If...

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If any part of your invocation of the South Quarter includes any lines from any song by Lynard Skynard....

If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb.....

If part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells on the fire....

If the bell on your alter was ever worn by an animal in a pasture....

If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife,and a can of Foster's,

If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt contest....

If when your priestess says "Blessed Be" in circle, you respond with "YEEE-HAW!"...

If you call the God and Goddess by hollerin' "Hey, y'all! Watch me!"....

If you can play the "Burning Times" on the banjo....

If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack.....

If you found out your familiar is an oppossum -- and still ate it........

If you have combined Maypole Dancing/ Tractor Pull/ Turkey Shoot for Beltane....

If you have cast a love spell on livestock....

If you've ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV....

If you've ever written a spell on the back of a  McD's menu.....

If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg.....

If you invoke the spirits so that your beer lasts longer.....

If you pray nightly to the god of big tires.....

If you sacrifice BBQ and pork rinds on an alter made of old car hoods....

If you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says, "the circle is open but never unbroken"...

If you smoke Salem cigarettes for the historical significance....

If you think a "family tradition" is a dating club....

If you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture....

If you worship the gods of cheap beer and Nascar....

If you've ever done a candle spell for your local high-school football team....

If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed whacker.....

If you've ever meditated to "Dueling Banjos".....

If you've reached the 3rd Degree but not the third grade......

If your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley.....

If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom......

If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod.....

If your altar cloth is a Confederate flag.....

If your altar cloth is vinyl......

If your altar cloth says "Holiday Inn" or "Howard Johnson's"....

If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the "Hollywood Walk of Fame".....

If your annointing oil smells like Old Spice.....

If your athame is by Bowie.....

If your broom has 4 wheel drive and SC plates.....

If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it....

If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube-top.....

If your circle dance contains the words "dosey-do"......

If your circle dance is a two-step....

If your coven chose its High Priest at a belching contest....

If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks"....

If your coven-stead is propped up on cinder blocks.....

If your craft name starts with "Bubba"......

If your familiar can point quail....

If your familiar keeps mice out of the granary.....

If your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second, and third cousin....

If your backyard ritual libation is brewed in an illegal backyard still......

If your maiden sweeps the circle with a weed whacker....

If your most sacred altar items include a hubcap, a velvet painting, and a half-empty can of chaw.....

If your outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter altars....

If your ritual music has ever included Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire"....

If your robes are made out of denim with Harley Davidson patches.....

Well, you might just be a redneck pagan!!

Q: Where do flowers sleep?
A: In a flower bed.  

Q: Do you know what you call a cow wearing hay?
A: Cow-moflage.  

Q: Did you hear about the fire at the circus?  
A: The heat was intense.

Q: Why are Venetian blinds the greatest invention in the history of mankind?  
A: If it wasn't for Venetian blinds, it would have been curtains for all of us.  

Q: What do you call artificial spaghetti?
A: Impasta.  

Q: What do small people use to communicate with each other?  
A: Microphones.

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."  
"And did he?"  
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

Q: What game do cows play at parties?  
A: Mooosical Chairs.  

Q: What's a flea's favoriteway to travel?  
A: Itch-hiking.

Is a blonde police officer a "fair cop"?

Do carpet manufacturers make a pile?

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replied.  "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.  "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. Tell him," she whispers "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper-towels in the women's bathroom..."

Q: Why couldn't the athlete listen to his music?  
A: Because he broke the record!  

Q: Where should you put the officers in a military orchestra?  
A: In the brass section.

Where do South American dictators keep their armies?
In their sleevies..........

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.  

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.  

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Q: What doesn't a ghost need in his house?  
A: A living room!  

Q: What is the surest way to double your money?  
A: Fold it!

This guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back.  

"What the heck are you?" asks the host.

"I'm a snail" says the guy.

"But... you have a girl on your back" replies the host.

"Yeah," he says, "that's Michelle!"


Q: Why couldn't the skunk use her phone?  
A: It was out of odor.  

Q: What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?
A: Launch meat.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.  

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.  

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.  

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.  

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.  

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.  

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?  
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.  

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?  
A: Laughing stock.

Then there was the young female comic who was promised good roles in a hit TV show. All she had to do was divide her favors between the star and the producer. It was just a sham though, she never got any air time at all.  

You might even say she was "shared skitless".


Q: Where did the hamburger take his date?  
A: To the meat ball!  

Q: What do you say when you tickle a rich girl?  
A: "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.  

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'  

'Not yet,' she replied.

Q: What did the dryer say to the washer?  
A: Let's go for a spin!  

Q: What's the first thing you know?  
A: Ol' Jed's a millionaire.

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits. "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"  
"Eventually," said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"

Q: Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?  
A: They're always bitter.  

Q: Why was the teacher cross-eyed?  
A: Because she couldn't control her pupils!