I'm not sure where to put this rambling so I picked randomville. I almost died last week. I had double pneumonia in both lungs. The day after I was admitted to the hospital I had a reaction to one of the breathing treatment medicines and my respiratory got worse. The doctor on call (not my dr) decided I was just dehydrated and to push fluids??? So I basically started drowning.I suffered for almost 9 hours before my guardian angel walked thru the door. She took over and literally saved my life. I was on the ground and starting to fade. Almost every part of me told me to just let go and end the pain. And I almost did. I didn't see a white light. I didn't hear angels. All I could see were my sons. Pleading to me and telling me not to give in. I prayed with everything I had to every God and Goddess to please help me. And help they did. I do not know who sent Jeanine or my ex husband (who felt absolutely compelled to come back to the hospital after taking my youngest home from our visit.) All I know is someone took an interest. I am at home now and on the mend. But life does not feel the same. My priorities are not what they once were. Everything that seemed so important before just doesn't matter now. And I am messed up. I need counseling. How do I find out why I was spared? What is the reason that some entity took an interest in me and mine? How do I find out who it was? How do you go back to "normal" after something like this? My mother likes to pretend that nothing happened and I am still OK with the world. I'm not. I cherish every moment with my kids. Even the arguing. I have absolutely no desire to go back to work but I know I have to. I just feel so lost and confused.I was spared for a reason. Look at how many people die each day from the same thing. But yet, here I am. I am so glad to be alive. To walk outside and feel the sun on my face, to hear the birds, to listen to my cats purr and my dog bark. I would like to take a walk in the woods or even on the beach. Maybe in a couple of weeks, I'll head to the coast. Just to listen to mother nature. And see what she tells me.

Holy cow, Sibrei!    I am glad to hear you HAVE been spared.  How awful that you were that bad off.  Perhaps you weren't so much spared as you were allowed to go that far?  I don't know so it might be a silly thing to ask.  If so, I'm sorry.  I am just glad you are still with us.

We can ask questions like that and may never get an answer.

When it is time for you to know, you simply will.

I'm glad you're still here with us.

As far as 'who' it was, just ask, maybe they'll tell ya.

sibrei

You have touched my heart and soul. Thank you for being here. And thank you for telling us what happened.

Just by you telling your life-changing event, you might have and probably have changed many people....and their thoughts about every-day moments and life.

Thank you.

And you are blessed.

I, too, am thankful you're still with us, Sibrei!  I agree with Novia.  Ask and you just might find out.  

What a horrible thing to experience but it seems to have put things in perspective for the time being.  I think a trip to nature would be a great way to get the answers you seek.

Who knows why death spares one person but takes another standing beside them?  Or sometimes, you leave a place a minute before something terrible happens.  Sibrei, your experience reminds us all that we're here for a reason, and not to take life for granted.

Seamonster, no offense whatsoever. I have thought about that as well. I am so glad I am still here. I am kinder for the experience. I have alot more patience with my kids and everyone else. I have thought about volunteering in a nursing home down the street from my house. It definitely made me realize that there are angels walking on this earth. And that they do look after us. It has opened up a whole new relationship with my ex husband. NO, I have no intention of trying to get him back. He is happily remarried. But it made both of us realize that we still care about each other and we both love our kids. And though life changes, it's how we react to the changes that make us the people that we are and want to be. I want to seriously dedicate myself to my studies. I want to find a mentor close by to help guide me and teach me because this made me realize that I am on the right path. That I am where I need to be. I will come through this stronger and alot more wiser and caring. Thanks to all of my friends and family. And all of you are a part of that family as well. I wish I could see each of you and give you a big hug and we could all cry together.

Wow, thank you Sibrei  for sharing what happened to you. It has reminded me of a lot of things that I truly need to be reminded of.

I am glad you were spared and that you look at life so differently.  I myself  hold to the belief that the Norse do that your life and destinay were woven long ago and that no matter where you are or what you are doing that when it is your time it is your time.  Obviously it wasn't your time but perhaps you were taken to the brink and shown what you were shown so you could tell others and so that you knew for sure what you always suspected.  As for knowing who it was as other suggested asking might get you your results but then perhaps they want you to do some work on it and research.  Who knows.  You are here and you have gained experience and knowledge. Perhaps that is what you were to do.

Love and Laughter
~Raveness~

A few years ago, I had gone into Spokane as my auntie was dying of cancer.  I had spent all afternoon in hopes that she would recover and just when the family had gotten relaxed, we saw all the medics going into her "cell" and then it was over.  About an hour later, I received a phone call from my ex telling me that my younger son, J, had had an accident in the pool with the babysitter, and he was in the hospital for the night.  It turns out that he had actually died for a short amount of time at around the same time that my Auntie died.  After that, he told me that he had seen something, but I couldn't get him to tell me what.  I really didn't pressure him too much, because he was only 5 years old at the time.  He ended up all right with no brain damage, but after that he denied that he had seen anything.  I believe that he really did, and it frightened him.  I will ask him about it again soon as he is almost 15 now and might not be as shy about it as he was then.  He is very sensitive, this one.  I honestly think whatever he saw had something to do with my Aunt.

Isn't it amazing how things like this happen? I have always been awestruck at the unfailing belief children have about everything. How there is absolutely no doubt about anything. I wish that when we hit adulthood that we could somehow be less jaded than we are.

I'm so glad you're ok Sibrei!!  What an experience!  I believe this experience has given you a glimpse of a higher spiritual viewpoint.  Sometimes it takes a crisis to strip away the ego's hold on us.  Suddenly priorities have changed, your perception has shifted.   Instead of looking for answers or signs or trying to "do" something, just be.  Allow yourself to feel lost and confused for awhile and the answers will come to you, or more likely the answers are already there and just need to solidify in your head.  No effort is needed on your part other than being willing to feel alittle "shaky" for a bit while everything falls into place.  You're on higher ground now and the view can make you feel vulnerable until you get used to it.  And don't worry!  Some One is obviously watching over you!

Thanks Acasia. I think that's what I needed to hear. That it's ok to feel the way I do. I have taken some time to wrap my head around the whole thing and all I have to say is wow. As I calm down, I remember more and more things from that night. And it takes me right back to the place I was at. I will probably never know why I was spared but I am going to do my darndest to make sure that I don't waste my life like I was doing. I have become stronger because of it and my kids are just finding out how strong willed Mom can be(my oldest one anyway LOL). It would be really interesting to hear from my fellow castle mates if any one else has ever had something like this happen to them?

I had an experience with anaphylatic shock a few years back, nothing like what you had Sibrei, but I did black out for awhile.  I was having my first chemo infusion and the nurse warned me if I felt like I was getting heartburn to let her know immediately.  (She neglected to tell me that alot of first-timers had an allergic reaction to the preservative in the chemo "cocktail")  Well, I'm not the best patient out there, so naturally when I started feeling the heartburn I thought I'd just tough it out and see how bad it got.  The next thing I knew I couldn't breathe, my muscles all went tense, I stretched out like a board involuntarily, then it went black.  I was warm and comfortable and I really liked where I was.  No tunnels or bridges, or deceased family members, although I did not feel alone -it felt like I was being watched, but not in a scary way.  It was just really comfy and completely black.  Then, to my extreme annoyance, someone was yelling at me to breathe and calling my name.  I was really pissed that they wouldn't let me be.  Then I inhaled and after a minute or two opened my eyes. (They had administered epinephrine into my I-V, which usually brings people out of anaphylatic shock.)

It was much scarier for the other people in the chemo room, and my husband was the most peculiar shade of ash green I've ever seen.  I came away from the experience with a sense of calmness about death.  I can't really say I'm afraid of death the way most people are, to the point of wondering what is so horrendous about euthanasia for terminally ill people in extreme pain.  

Of course, it took me a long while to get my head around my experience, what with all the cancer therapy stuff going on at the time.  (Endless appointments and feeling really shitty.)  From my experience I just don't take myself as seriously as I used to, and I can let things go more easily now.  I try to keep the bigger picture in mind and don't try to control everything as much.  For example, I just met my exhusband's illegitemate adult daughter today.  She and my daughter (who are only 6 weeks apart in age!!) have become close and regard each other as sisters.  It was alittle bizarre to say the least, but she's an innocent victim of my ex's narcissism so I'm not going to let it get to me.  I hope to have her and my daughter over some time for a "girl's night" to get to know her better.  Wierd, huh?  The stuff you never you dreamed you'd have to get through in this life?

No kidding there. I have gone through so much stuff in my life that I swore I was going to write it up as a soap opera because at times that's what it felt like. The same thing about the blackness happened to me as well. I remember feeling no pain and wondering why I had kept fighting it for so long. But I remember hearing my kids voices. And they were not there at the time. I distinctly remember my oldest one telling me not to go.

I'm glad that you are still with us. And that the cancer didn't take you. As far as your ex husband goes, I have one of my own. And there's a reason why they are "exes". LOL. I still have to deal with mine on a regular basis because our kids aren't grown yet. And I thank the Goddess everyday that I no longer have to be the one to deal with all his bulls**t.

I feel sorry for his wife until she opens her mouth and makes herself sound like an ass. I can't think of two people who deserve each other more!!!!!