I'm not sure why it is I ended up in the places I ended up. I was drawn there. For lack of a better way of putting it.
There was about a month a few years back I had the wildest ride of my life, changed it, bettered it, scard the shit out of it.
For the month I lived the deaths of so many people. not a fun thing to do all while at work.
It was really the only time I kept a journal, journal of souls I called it. Still have it, have even added to it a few times.
Since I was a kid, I've dealt with it, it always seems more like a bad acid trip, than a gifted adventure (still want the damn caffeemaker!) I thik that is why I shut down, to shut it all out.
Did it totally stop the voices, the feelings, the smells, the visions? No, but it sure did lessen the shit out of them. I'm tuned out enough it doesn't take much to block it out, to stop it. Am I better off for it? No! so I miss it? Hell yeah, sadly to say. Cause I know it tuning in, what awaits.
A small piece.
ENTRY FIVE ALONE WITH A BROKEN SPIRIT
{I'm afraid that I must say something before I do this particular excerpt. This one is extremely painful as it comes from my Mom. Her husband Joel had committed suicide a couple of months prior after finding out he had bone cancer. He had wanted her to go with him then, as he knew she could not handle being alone. She had always depended on him for strenght. It was he who got her thru her long bad ordeal of breast cancer. This was here story to me, on the five year anniversary of her passing.}(If something is is parenthases it is an explanation from me to help you understand.) Here goes!
This is a tale you need to hear Little One. Answers to questions will be explained. Anger, sorrow, and pain, ahead, I apologize for.
Life without my Joel was more than I could bear. My will to go on went with him. His family was no comfort, only painful reminders of the strength of the bond that they held. He took the cowards way out. He chose not to fight a battle he knew he could not win. So he changed the rules. He won in the end, by cheating. I could not go with him at that time, as he wanted. I had convinced myself that I would survive for you, the kids, and Sis.
My world kept falling apart. I was torn between worlds. Doyleen(Sis) wanted me to come to stay with her, and I wanted to move back home wwith you and the kids, to get to know you and them. Yet I could not leave my Joel. He has never left my side, he is and will always be a part of me. We completed each other. He kept bidding me to join him, to leave the anguish behind, and find peace, at last, with him. I made my choice. I made plans with Sis to come up with her and Big Grandma (her Mom) to make her happy. I made plans to come to KC with you. I figured that way I could at least give some joy to everyone, one last time. I knew you were strong, just a your Grandmother Alice was, you are more like her, you have her strength. You have needed it to survive this far in your life, anf for that I am sorry. I am not strong though, Joel was right, I could not make it alone, Part of me died with him that night, a major part.
I got ready for work, just a usual, took my shower, took the last of the Morphine pills that Joel had saved for me, and the other half of the Bottle of Southern Comfort that he had used, and laid down to take my final nap. I knew his family would take care that nothing was found out that would cause queston. Thaat is just their way. Deep south Louisianians are funny about taking care of family. They have deep strong bonds that never fail, or die. I was at peace with my decision, and Joel stood by my side. I told you I loved you, and said I was sorry. I knew you would understand. I am happy Little One. You are strong. Grow in what you know. You have a future to work for, on this I can say no more. Just focus on what you are doing, and things will get much easier when you reach your goal. Always remember I love you Little One. Michael is such a sweet soul, much moreso than I remember. Now I am complete, I have my baby and MY Joel too! Always know that I am there, just gaze upon the ball and you shall see. (My Moms crystal ball that she had used.)
(END JOURNAL POSTING)
You know, so many people 'wish' they could know why some things happen, but like it's always been said, be careful what you wish for. So many people 'wish' they could sense what else lie out there in the universe. sure there are ample totally awesomely cool things, but lest we ever forget, there are some things better left unknown.
Is it real? hell yeah. It's as real as we believe it is.
In this 'adventure' I happenchanced on a place, cold, and lightless. Not dark, but lightless. Our light, that makes us Us, cannot survive in this place, it is sucked out, extinguished, taken. I'm not sure how long I was there, but I could feel my 'life' fading. Now mind you, I'm stuck at work, because I worked with someone who could help me should I need it I guess. While my higher self experienced all that was going on, on the Universal levels it was all happening on, my lower self was feeling it all, living it all. I fel so cold, so drained, feeling like I could just sit down and cease to exist. That easy. THAT my dear, scared the shit outta me.
All this was a little less than 8 years ago. Just after 9/11