Some of you may barely remember me.  I first joined this place when it was FMP on MSN as LunaMoon Wolf.  I would have been around 16 or so at the time.

Well.. I just had my 23rd birthday June 4th last month.  With it, came a surprise, one I wish I never had.

I was told I could not get pregnant, that I was probably infertile after several PAP's and blood work after realizing my cycles skipped sporadically.  My health has been very poor since I was around 14 as well, so my husband and I never really worried about much.  We used protection, as a precaution... but it was my birthday and I had my cycle the month before so we figured we were safe.

I began to get very very sick.  I couldn't eat, I wasn't able to use the washroom, lethargic to the point of sleeping nearly 12 hours a day.  I went from 135lbs to 125lbs in only two weeks.  I'm at 121, and I'm still unable to eat anything other than certain soups and crackers.  The day we found out I was carrying was the day we had to make a decision.  We knew I was in bad shape, but it's up the point now that I know I'm making the right decision.

I won't survive the pregnancy and next week I go in for surgery.

My parents know, my husband knows, and very few personal friends know the situation I'm in.  Everyone else is convinced that I basically killed my organs from nearly a week of drinking (which is partly true) and I'm going in for surgery to remove bits of dead flesh from my liver and kidney's.  That won't be the case, I have small infections from complications with my immune system and the fetus acting like a parasite, but nothing nearly that drastic.

I haven't been able to work since mid-June, my nausea is so bad that I can't even really go outside because I don't know when I'm going to be sick.  It doesn't go away after awhile... I'm sick until later in the evening, and that's if I'm not doing anything.  I'm not taking medication for it because that's going to be way more expensive than it ought to be, and besides I'm sure that would do more harm than good.

I guess I'm writing this because I've been silently part of this community for many years, and I've grown up on here, learning, exploring and doing.  It's safe, unbiased and filled with loving people.  I wish some of my friends were as open as everyone is here.  I know many will disagree with my decision, but I also know many of you will understand that this isn't a choice I wish to have to make.  I've already lost a couple of friends who I thought I could trust, one being a 43 year old man who has been a friend of mine for many years, and is a trusted family friend.  He has since stopped speaking to me - or worse - preach to me.  My mom basically told him if he can't be supportive, he has no right being at our house, so I haven't seen him since.  On the other hand, I've also been greeted with warm hugs and tender sorrow from others who I was afraid to come out and tell them what was wrong.  After telling them they were very surprised I was too shy to say something, but after explaining my friend turning his back to me, I was convinced they'd do the same.  My friends mother, my mom, my dad and my husband will be waiting for me after the surgery.  I'm so lucky to have that support.

I just want to know if anyone can help me with the after affects.  I'm okay with my decision now, knowing I'm saving my life at the loss of this creature inside of me... but at the same time... I know the pain of sorrow and regret that will come afterwards.  I'm trying not to think of it now, but it's only a matter of time before it pops up in my mind when I least expect it.  Sort of like regretting something bad you've done way after you've already done it...

I'd really like some help, I just want to get through this, be able to eat again and go to work.  I'm tired of sleeping in the bathroom and not leaving home, I can't even play with my dog or have him snuggle me because he's so warm.

To make sure this never happens again... I'm getting an IUD... after that I'm going to get myself spayed!  They won't render me infertile because of my age, and I don't want to take the risk of this happening ever again.  

I'm sorry of what I'm saying is hard for you guys to read, I'm trying very hard for it not to be.  I just want to be back to normal again, be productive in my job and enjoy life.

Thanks for taking the time
Wolven.

*hugs*

Hey hon,

  I'm sorry you're having to go through what you are and having to do what you are doing. I'm glad you've come as close to terms with is as you can.  I can't say I understand your situation because I've never been in it. But, I do think you are doing the right thing.

   I know complications with pregnancy are to be expected but nothing like what you are experiencing.  The only thing I can offer is hugs and support

Hugs from here!!  

Sometimes we have to make an obvious decision that is hard to make, but, I think you are doing what you must.  I'm sad that you've had to lose friends over this, as it seems rather evident that it isn't a choice you've had to make flippantly.  Your friend has much to learn.  I'm pleased that you have turned to our "little group" in this tough time you are going through.  You know you will always find love and support here!  Hugs!

Wow....You have been through so much. I am glad that you will be able to save your own life with this surgery, and I am shocked that so called "freinds" have been such creeps. It isn't even a choice as to whether it is your life or the embryo from what I can tell Dr's are saying you wont survive long enough for that without surgery.
Try to keep in touch with us, which I realize might be hard for you. I am also glad that you have a supportive family who will help you thu this time.
I am so sad for your loss and of course it is the only decision that makes sense.
Blessed Be

Wolven,
No need to apologize to the males here. You are taking care of you, and you come first. It is wonderful that you have so many people to support you. Yes, this is difficult, yes it is medically necessary. That won't make it any easier. Seek counseling if needed. You already know and understand anything else I could say. Lean on those that support and love you, forget the rest.

I have someone near and dear to me going thru someting very similar (yet a bit different). Theirs is another surgery, to hopefully end the pain, suffering, and give her a life again.

Wishing you well dear,
many blessings
you will be in my thoughts and prayers..

Sundown

I am so deeply sorry for what the pain and suffering that you are going through right now.  You need to take care of yourself.  If you were to carry on without the surgery, then you wouldn't be a mother, and you will be leaving a grieving husband and family.  The friends that you have lost?  They're not your friends, so don't miss them.  
I know a little bit of what you're going through.  I had a miscarriage many years ago.  Why?  Because I wasn't taking care of myself, drinking too much, and didn't even know I was pregnant for 2 months.  
Take care of your physical self first, and then talk to someone who can help you with your inner self.  
You are very important to your husband and family.
Hugs

Thank you everyone for the support, it's been frustrating and hard.  Not only that but a terrifying new symptom just arose and I'm going to the ER.

My nausea is considered severe, but at least around 7 - 9 pm I can eat SOMETHING or at the very least drink.  Everything I'm trying to give myself isn't staying down.  My temp has been all over the place from cold, to normal, to high... and just a lot of really weird things going on and I'm going to the ER. My OP is tomorrow morning, but I don't know if there is something serious going on (which happened yesterday too, but my folks told me not to worry) and if something serious is going on - I'd rather not have it a surprise.  I can't afford not to have this surgery and the door is only open tomorrow - after that it's Edmonton and I can't afford that kind of trip.  

Even if they just give me an IV with some fluids, at least then I wouldn't feel so weak.  I hate needles... but I also know the relief just a few litres of fluid in the system can give.  I'd rather deal with 4 minutes of pain than another 24 hours feeling like I'm starving and dehydrated.  I can't afford to lose anymore weight, I don't want to go because it's less than 12 hours to the procedure, I dunno what else to do.

I'll keep in touch in the next couple of days - might have to make the husband do it which I'm sure he'll disagree.  He doesn't like to stick his nose into things, or talk about things for that matter.  Ah well, I'll let you know how I'm doing... thank you everyone again.  This is such a huge relief for me, and I'm happy I have support.

Blessings

Glad to see you could check in for a minute. I think once you get SOMETHING in your system you'll feel loads better despite what's going on.  Try to keep us post as best you can but also make sure to rest and try to relax as much as possible after the surgery.

*hugs hon and lots and lots of support*

Bramble

Let us know when you can or hubby can if he will.
Candle lit,

Blessings and Hugs

Sundown

Finally home.  

ER was a lifesaver - they got me in like nearly immediately, gave me 3 liters of fluid and a bit of IV Gavol.  They kept me there from 10 pm to 4:30 am... I was hoping they'd just keep me buuuut they sent me home.  Went back to the hospital at 8 and got in around 1 went home around 4ish.  Didn't go straight home, I was pretty loopy and my dog gets super protective and aggressive when I'm on strong medications or alcohol so spent time at a friends house.

There were other girls there as well, so we had a small support group, and that made us all feel a lot better about going in.  Kinda sucked when the girls out of surgery, were able to drink and eat.  None of us had anything in our system since supper the previous night (with the exception of me from the IV last night.)  So not fun.

I just can't believe how good I feel.  As soon as they gave me something to eat and drink I was crying joyfully.  I haven't been able to eat a sandwich in 2 months, and I've been a bit bad and snacking all day 'cause FOOD TASTES SO GOOD!!!

Because of how serious my condition was, and even though this started as a choice - it's completely covered by AHC (Alberta Health Care) and is considered an emergency situation that was no longer a choice that I could afford.  I think knowing that it went from a choice to requirement made it very difficult near the end.  Had a small break down because I was starting to panic a bit -  I also think it was because I was very tired from lack of sleep, cranky from thirst and hunger and just general impatience.

On a funny - if a little morbid - note:  cute paramedic doing my IV last night had some fun finding a vein because of how dehydrated I was.  Once he found one, he was pinching the vein and getting blood vials ready, but his stool slipped and he let go.  It didn't hurt and we found it amusing just how projectile blood can be.  After that he just had bad luck and kept getting blood on him.  It wasn't a lot, and it wasn't his fault, dehydration and high blood pressure can do that.  He was really cute too sooooo everything he did, he turned it into a bit of a joke and it wasn't so bad.  

But all is good, I'll be healthy and ready to go back to work in about 2 weeks - I could go sooner but docs want me to take it easy.  I can't believe how good I feel right now.  I'm so glad I can go and eat what I want again, my colour is coming back, my energy is already returning and my mood made a very sharp turn to normal.  Just... so happy!

Thank you guys so much for the support, I was thinking of everyone all day and going "I have friends I can always turn to, I have people to talk to, and I have a religion that's supportive unto itself."  So thrilled that I have such a strong support group.  Thank you all.

Hi Lunawolf,

I am so glad to hear that you are doing better. It seems like just last week you were rushing off to be married.

I have a cousin that had a similar experience, and all I can say is that I wish you well. Please stay in touch with the community here, and we will help you any way we can.

xD - yeah we eloped and got everything done ^_^

We told my parents like a month later and they were like "we figured you two did that a LONG time ago."  His grandparents still don't have a clue, and that's just what we had to do.  It's too late now, but we're currently living at our parents respectfully so we can't really afford to have him kicked out just yet.  Soon as I'm healthy and working again we'll be able to get on our feet, we've just been having rotten luck over the last year and a half.

Wolven, I am so sorry I have missed out on all this!  

It is not for anyone to judge, period. You need to do what you need to do in order to take care of your Self.

The loss of a friend in times like these, show us exactly who our true friends REALLY are.

I'm glad the trip to the ER brought you some relief.