Alright, I have not been on in a good month..(hope everyone is good !!)
I have been busy letting life walk allover me. Its been a doosie of a month.
I asked my husband of 17 years for a divorce a good 4-5 weeks ago, and he is not going along with it. I had to go to my parents for help with getting a cheep car I could not do alone, and am trying to make things I need in my name only.
I don�t know how to really just get him out of my life, we have 3 kids and he will always be there father, though the two oldest have pretty much written him off as a lost cause.
I just want to be done with it, he is not going to let that happen easy and I am tired.
I have even resorted to burning old pictures of him and I when I was just barley 17 and he was 27, a friend of mine keeps saying o don�t do that, you can never get them back. I don�t want them back I have some that I will give to my kids but some I just don�t want anymore..
I just spent the last part of the week at his uncles funeral that he wouldn�t go to, (he does not do wakes or funerals) so me and the kids went to the wake and the funeral alone.
It was my 36th birthday Friday I was at yet another funeral alone and I was pissed off that I even hade to say to any of his cousins and aunts etc, (his siblings don�t even bother with asking, they know) why he was not there.
When all I wanted to scream was I don�t give a shit where he is!!
But I did the dutiful thing and said o he is not good at this stuff, bla bla bla..
When all I wanted to do was beat the shit out of him and say suck it up you selfish piece of shit.. O but I would never say that..
He keeps saying please give me a couple of months, to get on meds and bla bla bla..
You see he is a manic depressive alcoholic with a gambling issue O ya I know how to pick em.. I have done the bringing him to rehab thing, he has spent time in jail, when I had a 1 week old baby, he was in for 4 months while I was hours away from friends and family with a new born. Ok enough seething the divorce is something I should have done a long time ago but I allowed him to make me dough my self. Something I am terribly embarrassed about, I like to think I am much stronger than that. But the realization that I had been weekend into thinking I couldn�t do it on my own really makes me ill.
I need to figure it out, I just don�t know where to start, I do not talk to friends and family, my mom I know is always there for me, but its hard to talk to her. And my friends well I am the listener in the crowd with the advice for everyone but myself..
I am staring to get this feeling of skin crawling all the time, with the overwhelming urge to run, I know I cant do that being the responsible one and all, but damn.. Its not like we have ever had a good marriage, and the last few years he sleeps in the cellar in his man town..
He keeps saying I must have someone I am seeing,(that has always been one of his lines) like he isn�t enough of a fuck up for me to just want to be done with him.. UGGG

Thank you both very much!
Squaring my shoulders and breathing deep

You are all very wise and I thank you!

God I feel for you girl. A good friend said to me when I was going through a similar thing.

Take each day at a time, tell your kids you love them every day; and know that you don't need to please any one but yourself with the decisions you make. Everyone will have a opinion on what you should or should not do, but at the end of the day yours is the only one that accounts for anything.

Dont blame yourself for staying etc etc, what is done is done and its time to look to the future.

Take some deep breaths and write a plan for what you what for you and your kids.

Strenght to you. Always know that as dark as things look right now it wont be like that forever.

Love to you and yours,

Kath

I am so thank full for all of you!!

I did get a wonderful gift this week end. I was running around Friday after work trying to get the pool set up for the kids, laundry etc etc. when the phone rang and it was my sister in-law. She had gone on a girls week end with one of my other sister in-laws with & to her sisters house down the cape. And they where all yelling on the phone come down come down. I was laughing and my sister in-laws older sister (who�s house it is) got on the phone and said I have strong esp and know you need to get away. Please come down and join us you are more than welcome all you need is your bathing suit and clean panties
I have never done spontaneous things since having kids of coarse.. So I said let me make some calls and I will call back. Thinking I would just call back and say thank you so much but I just cant get away.
But after setting up the pool I jumped in the shower, and it hit me like a brick, why shouldn�t I go!!!!!
I called my mom to see if she was busy for the weekend she was not and took my youngest. The other two had there weekends already booked with friends. I threw some clothes etc in a bag, looked up the directions on the computer told the man who said �so what you just pack up and go� to which I replied �YES� did the friend�s pick up and drop off�s and hit the high way. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done! I was alone in my car for the first time going some were just for me. I had my Floyd cranked windows down I hit traffic and didn�t give a shit was content to sit with the music cranked crawling along.. What should have taken 45 min took an hour and a half and my sister in-law was so shocked when I pulled into the driveway, she didn�t think I was going to really do it having never been to the house not knowing the way bla bla..
And when I jumped into the ocean Sat. I knew why I had needed to go so badly!
And when I came home yesterday I cleaned up the house, the pool etc. and when the man yet again said so what is going on I said with out even blinking, I am going to cut and run. He said nasty things shocker and left, but I don�t care I got my battery charged this weekend by that cool embrace and I know I cant worry about his feelings anymore. Just my kids and me!!
good thing its summer I may need a lot of recharging

Absolutely bear! And thanks raevyn!

Hmmm thought I would share the stuck in the mud feeling.
I have yet to get to the court, but now the kids are out of school I will have time after work to go.
I have to get moving in hyper speed as the man is just set on staying and acting like all is well.
Going to the shrinks once a week now for 5 weeks, and saying we should go as a couple etc. I told him I may want to go my self, but not as a couple as we are not a couple.
But he just lets it go in one ear out the other. If I am not cold and mean to him he thinks things are good, but I cant stay that way its just not how I am, and then I just get pissed off and me pissed off makes everyone in the house run the even the dogs.
I am not good at being angry it takes to much energy, and I just don�t like me angry I have a bad temper it took years to learn to tame I don�t want to go backwards on that! He is just sapping the fn life out of me, at least that is what it feels like. And I know he is doing the counseling so he can say o I am doing so much better how can she leave me now when I am trying so hard�.. In other words he is planning and plotting how to make me look like the bad guy. I know all his tricks by now, I should be better at avoiding the booby traps but I just don�t think like him so it takes me a AA HAAA moment to see what he is up to.
I went to see one of my oldest friends new house (now she lives just in the next town) and she was reminding me of the person I was way back in high school. Sorry to say the things that changed where not the things that should have.. I some where along the line ( I know the moment it began) lost that strong sense of self.
But on a good note,
I did have a ego boost last week I was working in one my clients gardens and the landscape crew was doing the heavy digging moving over grown bushes to the back yard.
And I was flirted with by a very handsome muscular no shirt man, I didn�t realize it at the time, took my best bud to fill me in when I was talking about it. I felt like a dip shit after she spelled it out for me.
Working out in the sun all day makes me a little ditsy, Ok ok I am a little ditsy to start with so imagine�

I must say I am starting to feel more like my self.
Thanks for the ears

Welela I am sorry to hear things are no better for you. But I hope I don't offend with any of my next comments. Sometimes in life we have to stand up and be accountable for what we want out of it. If you are so unhappy and things are so bad than you need to do what is right for you and your kids. It seems to me waiting for your man to get the gist that it is over is never going to happen, so maybe you should find the strenght within to leave the situation yourself.

A fews ago I walked out on a very unhappy marriage, I waited for a while in the hope he would go. But sometimes people don't want to be seen as the bad guy and wait you out. It is such a unhappy life to be living for you and your kids. So always remember if momma isn't happy than the house is unhappy. Think of your kids, either walk away and start again or stay and work on it.

Like I said I hope I didn't offend. I am unwell and probably should stay off here. But It cant be a good environment for yourself, your kids or your man.

Strength to you or the right decisions to be made. I will think of you in my prayers.

Kath

Please don�t worry about offending!! You are not saying anything I have not already told myself, but it will be a lot easier for him to find a place with just little old him than me with 3 kids 2 dogs 2 birds and a rabbit, and I would never have the $ to do it anyway. If I did that would have already happen. For the kids things have not changed (unfortunately they have been ignoring his presence for years)and like I said I refuse to walk around angry, I am just done. And because of things he did we don�t own our home anymore, so its not up to him who stays. I work 3 different jobs in the summer, all shit pay, but with no education labor jobs are all you can get around here. 2 days a week I work for my self doing garden maintenance for people, but I am just sub contracting for someone else so I don�t make the good money, I am branching out on my own with that and have a job lined up that will be just me. I also clean houses, and work at a green house.
And in the winter I sculpt and sell my stuff on eBay. I have the foundation for making $ but until it all takes off I have none.. And as long as he is around he spends all of his pay and some of mine, and mine only covers food for 3 teens and little else. So the option of finding a place on my own is nil. But all the things I have started I have always held back do to lack of self confidence, that and knowing no matter what I bring in he will spend.
Though I do completely agree with you on the fact that it would be a hell of a lot easier if I could just move on, right now that�s not an option.