Novia I think your idea is great.  To put it out there is a hard thing, but I agree to share is to heal.  I hope many of our members use this thread.

I know it will help me.  Thanks Novia for the thread.



Insecurities.  Never being good enough.

Growing up with a very mean and hurtful mother.  I am sure a great many people have had this in their lives.  But she ( mine that is) was not only emotionally cruel but saw no harm in a good beating on a regular basis.  Mainly when things were not going her way, she was woken when having a nap, a pot plant fell over on the floor.  Beatings that meant school was out of the question for a few days so the marks could go away.  Many a day hiding away from her and waiting for the security of dad to get home.  There are so many things that went back then, hair cuts that resulted in bleeding scalps, scolding hot baths, the list seems to be endless when one thinks back to remember.

Without realising what I was doing I carried this over into my adult life.  Fell for the wrong person and then accepted his actions as I believed it was all I deserved.  All I was good for.  Year go by and children are born.  A husband that does not raise a hand to me, but I wish he would.  A bruise would be a good reason to go, its hard to explain emotional abuse.  People can�t see it.  A bruise would be easy.  

Many years have gone by in my life and I came to a point that I believe, no I know that I deserve better.  I am a good person, I am a great mum.   I am a worthwhile, beautiful, unique blessed being.

I will no longer allow the abuse of my past to create my future.  I am here to tell you mother that I am a wonderful person, I have grown into a strong woman who loves  her children and raises them in a loving home.  I am beautiful and deserve to be treated with respect.  You have no hold or power over me or the way I see myself or how the world sees me.

To my ex - husband.  There are men out there who do know how to treat a woman with respect, compassion, as an equal and with love.  I will no longer allow your infidelities to rule my life for a moment longer, they will have no power over my future trust my  new partner.  I am a beautiful woman who deserves to be loved by a good man.  I will not allow your sour attitude to creep into my aura any longer.

I release all the negative patterns learnt years ago.  I do not need you, I am better than you.  I thank my mother and ex for the lessons I have learnt in this life, for the strength these years have given me, the wonderful children and the life I have now.  Because you have helped me know that I am better than it all, I am wonderful.

So Mote It Be.

Kathryn

I grew up in a similar house-hold and to this day my mother still thinks she can control my life.

I wish I could say I truly love my mom, but I can't.  She still thinks it's ok to scream at me, call me vulgar names that I even I won't even say out-loud.  She thinks it's ok to yell at me in front of my friends, embarrassing, and proving to them that I am just an idiot who can barely lift my own finger to save my life.  I have premature arthritis, scoliosis and a bad hip.  My older brother got the brunt of it when we were growing up, she cheated on my dad with a pedophile and left us for nearly a year.  That was the best year of my life, I was only 14.  When she came back it was ok for a few months.  My dad bought me a puppy and kittens and a betta.  I was never allowed to have pets, she hated animals. She couldn't take those away from me, and to this day my dog is my life.

When I was 16 I was diagnosed with another disease that she plagued me with.  Depression.  I'm still recovering after nearly 5 years.  I fell in love with a lot of guys that were similar to what I grew up with.  I was never hit but often put down.  3 years ago I fell in love with my fiance, who is the most supportive man I know.  Sometimes it's hard to talk to him about how I feel, saying I'm being silly.  Other times he'll just hold me as I cry because I wake up from nightmares or my mom calls our house just to yell at me.


Last year I finally called the RCMP (Canadian police force) and I was escorted out.  She wasn't charged as there were no marks, but my younger brother told them the truth even after my mother tried to say "she's 20 years old, she's making a fuss, no reason to call."  Simon is autistic and literally can't lie.  "I heard the slap from the basement, and she (my mother) tried to lock me in the bedroom so I couldn't talk."  She was giving a warning.

I'm ashamed of how I grew up, and I'm just beginning to learn that I am smart, I'm beautiful and I'm loved.  I love my dad, and I love my brothers... but I can't say I love my mom.  It may take years before the scars she left on my soul to be completely gone, and I'm scared to become a mother because I'm noticing I have temper.  

I just want to tell everyone, and including Kath (no idea why I said Novia first, sorry!): that I understand what it's like to feel like you're nothing, and that wounds heal, but you'll always be left with a hurt that may never go away (but ... maybe I'm wrong...)

Blessings to everyone.

Lunamoon
It may be a hard step to take but have you considered cutting all ties to your mother?  My father was a terrible man and I no longer talk to him.  I feel as though he has had enough chances to be a good father and never tried then.  I have told him my email address once on his answering machine in case he ever wanted to try and have any kind of relationship.  That way I could block him if I needed to but he has made no attempt to communicate with me and I have no desire to communicate with him.  He does not know my address or my phone number and unless my brother told him about Ben probably thinks I  still live with my mom.  He does not know her address either, only that she lives in Georgia.

It is a step I would suggest.  You can have her number blocked so that she can not call you.  I don't know how you keep her from visiting.  I do not know if you can get a restraining order where you live with out being able to prove she committed some kind of violence.  I suppose if you have property you could get it posted so that no one could come on your land with out permission.  What ever you choose she is not going to change and you should not allow her to continue to cause you pain.  Use what ever resources you have at your disposal to put a stop to her abuse.

You all are very brave. You all are wonderful, beautiful beings. To know and see the abuse and to stand an say No more. You are the beginning to the new. Within each of you is the end of the abuse and the beginning of a better life. No longer victums, but Survivors.

One day when I am really, I'll share my own.


Blessings and much love.

In due time Inde.

Congrats n the first steps Luna.

We are all here to hold up one another, share to help heal not only our Selves, but others as well, and be a post to hold up one who needs it.

Even when our parents are the worst of the worst it is hard to admit that the best thing for us is to turn our backs n them, becasue alot of us just have a hard time abandoning those who abandoned us, even though they were physically there. Alas, we have to, to save our own souls.

I ponder this everytime I talk to my Dad, which is yet another horror story of my life. I struck out 2 out of 2.

And it's true I feel far far worse for those who do, and ahve had it, far worse them I.

Merry Meet to one and all.
It has been a long time since I have been here, came across this board and I feel it is indeed a wonderful idea.  so, here goes.

I have read all the posts in this board and this one was the last, I am glad it was.

I sit here a mother of three beautiful boys, in my 40's, an independent, intelligent, strong woman and I am a survivor.  

I say this because I too lived with the abuse of a drunken father.  I was his biggest disappointment.  It seemed to me growing up that nothing I did was ever right. I was never good enough.  IF only I were a BOY.... I was beaten horribly, thrown down flights of stairs, kicked, spat upon and wished upon that I would just die.  Top that off with not being able to weep or cry in pain, I had to sit, stand, fall or whatever and not shed one tear.  Crying was a sign of weakness.  It took me years and I mean YEARS to see that he was so very wrong.  I am here to tell all of you that each one of you have it in yourselves, to see that beautiful person.  No matter what.  

I can say with an honest heart that I do not do the same things to my boys.  You see, I inherited that horrible temper of my father's and choose not to let it out.  I have a temperance to my discipline.  I love my children and will never ever do to them what was done to me.  I firmly believe that our beloved Mother Goddess chose me to have three boys to bring three good men into the world. (Interestingly enough, my sister also has three boys :-} )

I will say that I did make amends with my father on his deathbed, forgave him of everything, because I did not want to carry any residual hate or hurt with me.  This was his and his alone to take with him.  He acknowledged all that was done and in his eyes I saw his shame and pain of what he did to me.  When he passed I did grieve and there are times now that I shed a tear when the wind blows the scent of the fall leaves reminds me of a time when I smiled with my father.

However, this is not the full reason for this post.  This is about skeletons and I have something to put out here.  

Having lived that life, having gone through years of therapy, I married not once but twice the same man.  

My father, in a manner of speaking.  No he does not abuse me physically, nor did the ex, but emotional abuse is sometimes worse.  I am currently married to a man, with whom I have been with for 9 years [not wedded, we recently got married, something that I regret, but at the time it was necessary] who does not know who I am.  He does not know me at all.  I know him completely, yet when it comes to me, well, nothing.  When we first met, he was this brilliant star, but upon further inspection I realized that the star had many flaws, but by that time, I was hooked.  I tried all things to make this man happy.  Eventually, I became lost, buried, my happiness never mattered, still doesn't.  

How's this for a statement and I quote "I don't want a woman who cries, carries on, nags or complains because I was married twice and I don't want that or need that ever in my life again."  So.........for 5 years I did exactly that....then I cracked....

How to say this without sounding horrid?  During the years, I strayed.  Twice.  Both times, I knew that they were wrong for me, but I was so emotionally trapped, like a caged animal, that I reached out to people that were there.  I will say that I was not married at the time.  Not that it matters....

I know it is wrong, I know it was wrong...I know this and for that knowledge, I am ashamed.  I witnessed my fathers multiple infidelities and it made me sick.  I do not want to be ever considered like my father, yet I feel that in some way I am.  Being honest, I am an infidel.  My worst fear is that my children would find out.  I would not want my children to think that their mother was some sort of harlot.  As I try to raise them the best of my ability.  Conflict, that is within me, yes that is there too.  I have made my mistakes and I must live with them.  I can honestly say that I will never do it again, as I have more respect for myself to do that.

Looking at my life now, I have made a resolution to be free of this man in my life and I plan on sticking with it.  It will take me some time, but in the end, I will be able to walk away and not fear about my children and their well being. We all will be happy.  
I realize now that my husband and myself have grown apart, or rather I have grown up and away and he is still there, where he always was and always will be, on that stump, on the ground always looking for someone else to help him.  

I said it earlier, I am a very strong woman, it has taken me this long to find myself, to realize that the Mother Goddess gave me gifts that I had kept my eyes shut to for so long, gifts that I am beginning to use and appreciate every day.  So, for now, I am content to work in my vegetable and herb gardens, be with my boys, be their mother and study my craft.  

I know that one day I will be blessed with my kindred spirit, a man who will love me for me and will be my equal, not only physically, but mentally and spiritually as well.  I will not suffer at the hands or mind of a man who does not know me.

It has taken me a while to type this out as it is very painful and indeed I still feel the shame, burning black and hot in my mind.  

Thank you all for allowing me to share this with you all.

be well and blessed be

Good luck.

Figuring out who we are someitmes is the hardest thing we have to do in this life.

Thank you for sharing!

[size=12] Greetings to Kath, Luna Moon, Ingigo Faerie, Inde, Prima and Luna,

You share sorrow and pain and active courage for change. Our parents have such profound effects on us. For me it was my mother. Actually I remember a short period where Mom seemed to be alright, but then the babies just kept coming. One brother and sister are only ten months apart. Then it was the screaming and hair pulling, willow switches, things being thrown and hiding in the coat closet 'til Dad came home. She would dress us up, curl our hair and then beat us before church.  We were told when to shine and then spanked later because we did. Couldn't win...never knew what would appease her. Everyone outside kinda loved her. During services parents would send crying babies back to her at the church and she could quite them. No one ever knew that she was this living terror at home.  Somewhere in my 30's I finally gave up and broke ties with her.

But, of course by then I had found the man and married. You guessed correctly, I married the male version of my mom. Caught in my own web of Chritianity, I spent many years crying and begging God, going to counseling, escaping only to be brought back with empty promises. Counselors (Christian) have actually put us back together fully knowing his physical and mental abusiveness. Have been married for 33 years to this man who sees me not. And yes, to the world he is the most wonderful, gentle, intelligent being. Like my mother.

I went to college, graduated and saw myself close to becoming independent, but then he found out that he has cancer. I think, now... now he will turn and see us and love us. Instead I find that he is getting me to sign away my half of our property while I think I'm signing normal ranch stuff. Seems it's now more important to impress his folks by leaving his family corporation our ranch. It has us all tied up financially.
We have been working out a divorce for two years...he talks me out of it, I try to trust, I lose again.  
It would be so nice to be able to get through this period without dragging our children through this mess right at the end of his life.

He has lymphoma. For his type there is no cure. It has been six and a half years since his diagnosis. Longest living survivor is 9 years. Have been so torn between just staying and being there, (as much for the kids as him), escaping altogether, or just being there because he still might just look at me and see me at the last moment. Will your experience of forgiveness at the end bless us as it did you Primo?

It is Narcissus and Echo...I keep calling out, he keeps seeing only himself.  We are both blinded by our childhoods, indelibly marked by our jealous parental gods. I also am guilty. I see that I have scripted a poor future for my children.  I am not the example of life that I would want to bless my son and daughter with. I love them so much.  I want them to be happy in their lives and find true soulmates.  Okay, so here I am crying again and I just can't be doin' that anymore...just an endless supply...too much...

Novia, thanks for this site.
Inde, I wish I were brave and knew what to do... Can I break the script by going, or just make it more painful ...
Primo, I wish I had  had it so together by the age of 40, you have rewritten that old script...
Kath, blessings in your release...
Luna, I know you are your namesake...
May moonlight and friends light our way,
Tyche

Tyche, you are a very strong lady, and I know that no matter what life has dealt you, in the end, you'll stand strong and tall, while all those who have tried to tear you down, blow away like dust in the wind.

People like our parents do nothing but try to make us feel so much less a person, only to make themselves feel larger than they really are.

Unfortunatley alot of people end up with just the sorts of peopel we spent our childhoods wishing we were away from. Must be some broken spot in our brains!  

Fight for what is rightfully yours! It's yours and you earned it.

At this point I believe your children know what sort of life you have had, kids are smart that way. they most likely want to see you happy.

Prayers are with you no matter what choice you make in this issue!

Bless your heart...Thank you Novia.

From the age of 4ish to the age of 11 (my first period) I was mulested by my Dad. My sister was as well. Much of my childhood is no longer remembered by choice. When I was 13 my sister could no longer keep silent. An so another "hell" began. Having to speak up and tell things the made me sick all over. During those months as I was going over to a friends house just a couple streets over, I was attacked and raped by a man whom had been stalking and raping other girls in these town. After he was done I was thrown out like trash. I was already in hell and didn't think it could have been worse. Wrong!! When all was said and done I was sent to live with my mother. She had no clue as to what was going on. An I wasn't telling. I blamed myself, hated myself, and thought myself as a whore. While I was living with my mom, I had a brake down and darn near killed a boy from down the street. My mom and stepdad had to pull me off this poor kid who had no idea what he had done. I was taken to a doctor an place on antidepressents and others. I was a zombie. After a year and a half I wanted to come back home. Mom was Ok with it still not knowing what caused me so much greif. When I came back i bottled it all up and found the world of drugs. I don't think I had a straight day for close to 2 years if not more. At 17 a horse name Ghost came into my life. I told him all my secrets, and started to find peace. I even found the courage to confront My Dad. To tell my Mother, and stop blaming myself.

Would i'd like to go back in time and live differently, I dought it. Everything that has happened is a part of me, it has helped shape me into who I am today. And once helped put an end to another little girls abuse. Being able to see the signs of that form of abuse.

Only one other person knew about the man that raped me, and that is my husband. Tonight I share this with you.

Inde, all's I can do is give you one huge ass hug!!! (hug)  (angel)

I know what it's like to carry a lifetime of secrets around with you. My stepday started molesting me when I was 13, as my Mom lay passed out of the floor not 6 feet away. This went on for 3 years, until I ran away from home. He would take me out of town with him, and leave Mom at home, cause she had to work, can we say get a clue? I never told Mom, she passed never knowing, what good would it have done by that point. she had gotten the courage to walk away from him, after many years of beatings. So what would have it helped, none in my eyes.

I have other secrets that I keep from people, but I'm in the midst of sitting down and writing. I've got the idea. I've got the support. Now, I just got to get the courage.

I was all ready to share with you my stories of pain i deal with with my mother...but when i finish i realized i wasnt logged in properly so i lost it all....I was wanting to tell everyone that i too have been there, abused by a mother whom didnt want me or want to have me around...my heart is heavy now, disapointed that i lost my post, but i wanted to give those of you here a huge hug....Maybe later i can rehash what i wrote...my fingers are lying still on the keyboard as i cant find the words to type this out again....


Hugs to all of you who have greatly suffered...

Inde and Novia,
It is said that people build their houses with the material at hand. Somehow we have all reached well past the materials at hand to build our lives. It makes me believe even more that we had to have been here before and that we had had more to go on than this life dealt us. I am also thinking that the internet has given all of us a chance to reach out and find old friends, family and group members.  Blessings for trusting us to hold this in our hearts. My love seeks you out to cherish you. I will be going out tonight to look out at the night sky and send my thoughts to you both and to the others that have shared on this forum. I wonder if we were all together somewhere...sometime...or if it is still around the corner.

Sylverk, it was a wonder of a hug...the words will come when it's time...no worries.

Lady Elaine, thanks for making this possible by following the path chosen.