Hello All,

I'm looking for advice again.  Seems like I need alot of it lately.  This isn't exactly the perfect place for this post, because I am primarily out of the broom closet.  My immediate family knows, and they are either cool with it or neutral (thinking it's a phase).  My friends and acquaintances know, and they are all great about it.  The only people who don't know are my father's relatives (who are uber-christian conservative types) and I think I'll be coming out to them here in the very near future.

The real issue here is my significant other.  I have been with this person for 3 and a half years.  He knows about my beliefs, but has never witnessed them.  We generally don't talk about it.  Once, when we had only been together for about 6 months, he told me "I know about "it", and accept it, but I never want to see it or see proof of it."  He was ridiculously drunk at the time, but it's really stuck with me ever since.  It didn't bother me at the time, because we'd only been together a short while and I didn't  really care what he thought about my beliefs.  However, 3.5 years later and I'm beginning to realize that I've been making sure "he doesn't see proof" of my beliefs and it's holding me back.  We've talked about possibly having a life together, about kids and marriage and all that, and he accepted that I wasn't going to hide my beliefs from my own children.

This is going to seem judgmental, but I generally try to steer clear of Christians when it comes to the romantic department.  Not because they are bad people, but because I understand that our beliefs are simply too different.  They're religion encourages them to think people like me are "evil" and it takes an incredibly open minded and confident person to see through the dictations of religion.  Anyway, my significant other is one of those open minded and confident people.  He's very Christian, prays every night, and I have all the respect in the world for his beliefs.  He takes "thou shalt not judge" very seriously and leaves people to their own beliefs.  He doesn't preach to anyone, and never once tried to get me to convert in any way, shape, or form.

A year ago we were talking very seriously about getting engaged.  Needless to say, that didn't work out.  I think this is one of the reasons.  I'm afraid that I'll give up my beliefs to make him happy, or to make myself more comfortable in my relationship with him.  If we got married, would I really be able to insist on being openly pagan if he threatened to divorce me over it?  Would I still teach my children my beliefs if he thought I was teaching them lies or evil?  He tells me he would have no problem with me "telling" our children about my beliefs, but how can you know for sure?

I invited him to my Beltane celebration.  At first he said yes.  Then he changed his mind.  I even explained to him that I wasn't going to be "worshiping" anything.  That Beltane I invited some friends and was simply celebrating the movement of the year and season.  Then he said maybe, and later ended up being "busy" at that time.

I know that we could work out the relationship (not the marriage or children), but that it would be a continual battle for me.  I've never wanted to hide my beliefs from anyone but him.  I just don't want to see him uncomfortable.  I don't want to feel the conflict between us.  I have no doubt in my mind that he would never pressure me to stop (unless it came to the children situation, then I don't know what he'd do).

What do I do?  Is this normal?  Do I just come out blazing and see how he reacts?

Raith

Well i do know your problems and it is a rather touchy situation. you are in a bad situation and you must dicide if that is how you truely wish to live your life. wether you will convert to his way or stay your own path. from what it sounds like is you won't be able to ever fully be open to him or if it come your children about any of it. he seems quite devot in his faith and that is were the problem is. usualy it is fine at first but when it gets truely serious that is when they try to convert you. this has happend to me many times or females have dated me just so they could try to convert me. i have a feeling that he will not engaged you or marry you unless you convert.

I am concerned about the idea that it's not okay for you to openly practice your faith, but its fine for him to openly practice his.  If a marriage is going to work, acceptance must come in all forms, including his acceptance of your faith.  If he can read his book and pray in your presence and expect you to accept it as HIS faith, then HE must allow you to openly "pray" and do your work according to your faith, and HE must accept it.  Otherwise it is only a one-way street--his way, and (as I know from experience)...it's usually "his way or the highway".  The question really remains, does he love you enough to accept you with your faith?  Good luck.  

— seamonster wrote

I am concerned about the idea that it's not okay for you to openly practice your faith, but its fine for him to openly practice his.  If a marriage is going to work, acceptance must come in all forms, including his acceptance of your faith.  If he can read his book and pray in your presence and expect you to accept it as HIS faith, then HE must allow you to openly "pray" and do your work according to your faith, and HE must accept it.  Otherwise it is only a one-way street--his way, and (as I know from experience)...it's usually "his way or the highway".  The question really remains, does he love you enough to accept you with your faith?  Good luck.  

This is exactly what I was thinking. Differences in belief systems can be the downfall of relationships. He seems to have no problem in openly expressing and showing his beliefs to you. Yet, he doesn't really want to hear anything more than surface information regarding your beliefs. It really does appear to be a one way street. If you added children to the picture, I can almost guarantee that he will not "allow" you to teach your children anything about your belief system. If you have been with him for 3 1/2 years already and he is still not wanting to really know or understand your beliefs, then I don't see anything changing. And to be honest, it won't get better with marriage. More than likely it will get worse.

Personally, I wouldn't want to live my life having to walk on eggshells when it comes to expressing  or talking about my beliefs. That's not a truly happy life.

Greetings Raith. Good points brought up by all here. This seems to be very volitile situation.

I have no psychic ability and can't tell you things you don't already know. I was, however, a Roman Catholic with my family for 22 years, receiving 5 of the 7 sacraments before leaving the church (i like to point out that 2 more and i would've had a "bingo!") and having dealt with the elders in my family over matters of my paganism vs. family/small community/Catholic tradition, including when it comes to my children, I throw out some food for thought:

my first thought was if your partnership in the relationship is equal. Are relations flexible enough to accomodate and adjust to life with children, a changing and evolving life, and one of self discovery to lead to feelings of self worth and accomplishment shared and celebrated by you both?

next, what would you do in matters concerning marriage (Catholics must marry in a church, I'm unaware of the branch of Christianity you refer to in your situation), in baptism (if not baptised in the Catholic faith, your babies carry the "original sin" of being born human, something that must be alliviated through baptism).

we are their devil, and the tools we use to understand are not only forbidden by Christian faith, but scare the bejesus out of them. i remember buying my sister a ouija board for fun when we were younger - my father made us get rid of it.  my grandmother thinks the pentagram means i'm Jewish now and my father refers to my druid friend as me talking to leprechauns... *heavy sigh*. they mock that which they do not, and are too afraid to, understand.

throughout my exploration of Paganism and education in Buddhism, i kept to my belief that each must and is entitled to find a spiritual path that works for the individual, as I saw the stock my father and grandmother took in Jesus Christ as their savior and how these shrouded mysteries give them their hope and reasons. i now evaluate how it has helped them evolve in their own space, and it seems to leave a lot of questions unanswered, as it's supposed to. I'm getting off topic...

I am planning a handfasting (which I will probably call a wedding) this fall with my fiance. we have two daughters, and of course my side of the family will be invited. The research I've done so far to help this go smoothly has been a key in reconciling my beliefs with my Catholic families, as familiar terms such as "tie the knot", etc., reveal their source in the history of my chosen spiritual path. the farther i delve, the more information I acquire on how Celtic culture influenced Roman traditions, helping me bridge the gap (a tiny bit) between my spirituality and theirs.  The more I learn about my spirituality, the more I learn about all religion, including people, philosophers, profits, and saints and their significance relating to Christianity. I also learn how the mission of each founder of various religions was essentially the same, and how current practices have evolved away from the intended results, hindering the realizations the messenger/prophet intended to reveal to followers of the messenger. probably getting off topic again.

Alice J was correct in stating that communication is key. Wouldn't come out guns ablazin' until all communication has broken down and you're ready for all out war.  Communication between your knowledge and the history of his faith though is also a key in helping this situation to maybe de-wrinkle a little bit. Keep in mind, he is shut off from making these types of historical connections, because the history of your spirituality is forbidden to him and mocked by his family/community.  So it'd be up to you to work on helping your problem from this perspective.  Study of the connection between paganism and christianity will probably warrent a better understood knowledge of historical and biblical facts of his faith than even he possesses. Knowledge is power!

I like to ramble a bunch. Take what you like and leave the rest with no worries. My final thought after re-reading your post is that you could, at best, expect a partnership from a person on a different path to a different place, the destination of a people forbidden to truly look within themselves in the name of all that is good. At least we know their hearts are in the right place...

I wish you calm seas on this journey in your life, but if the seas refuse to be calm, then a strong boat built of fact-based knowledge might help weather the storm.

Be well,
RealEyez

lol i said "profits"... must be money-minded today. or aware of how all that little change in the collection baskets add up to create some phenomenal castl...er ah, churches.

perhapse i have become too jaded in the manners of love but it seemed like you have tried to talk to him about it. not only once but on several occasions. if this is true than i would say hell with it and throw open the gates it's time for a fight. In my own experienses that was the best course of action and i should have stuck with it on many occasion were i didn't it is usualy best to cause it to end than be strung along waitin for the person to commit or find someone else and they leave you for one who fits there veiw better. that was my mistake i spent years with a woman who used me for all she could then some and now i feel it was just time i could have spent looking for a true life mate. that i should have stopped it all when i had the chance. it is up to you in the end it's your choice but you must remember are you truely in love with him or just comfortable? and would you want to live your life hiding your faith from him your kids and everyone else he hangs with?
well there is my two bits hope you do the best for you not what is just conveinent

Raith I would have to agree with my brother (Torrvald sorry).  I have learned in my quest for "The One" that if you can't be yourself you are wasting your time.  In fact I got bit in the butt so many times thinking that a guy will learn to love and appreciate everything that I am.  I was SOOOO wrong.  I found myself hurt mentally and physically and struggling to find myself again.  I never left my faith, but I did hide it, that is one of the big regrets of my life.  I began breaking up with guys for the smallest things, stupid things really, and I came to regret that too.  Recently I found out that it wasn't breaking up with them that I should regret.  It's feeling bad for.  I know that sounds very crass but if I was with them I would have never met my guy now.  After years of abuse I finally found a guy who loves and accepts my for me.  He loves that I have a faith, though he does not follow.  He has even done his best to participate in my rituals. (he knows it is all real, but has problems believing in it for his life, I know confusing) Anyways, If I had wasted time on the guys who couldn't accept me, I would have never found him.  Go with what my Mom says (sorry again AliceJ).  He may be the acception to the rule.  My thought is, our religion is a way of life not just a religion.  If you were to continue hiding your religion you would be hiding a vital and beautiful part of yourself.  So my final question is- Is it fair to you or your relationship to hide who you truly are?
Good luck chickydoo this one is a toughy
Blessed Be,
Skyy

Thanks so much everyone.  

Sorry it took me a while to get back to this.  Even though some of your viewpoints are kind of opposing, I agree with all of them.  I think, for one, I haven't really given him a chance to accept or reject my beliefs because I've been too busy "hiding" it from his view.  However, if he can't accept this as a permanent, unchangeable part of me, there's just no way things are going to work out.  I could never be christian again.  There are aspects of christianity which I admire, respect, and even believe in, but most of it just doesn't jive with me.  

I think that AliceJ is right.  It's not fair to come out blazing after I've hidden it and kept it quiet for so long.  And I am working on some very old information.  We have hardly spoken about it for 3 years now.  But then again, Torrvald, Skyy, Guin, and Seamonster are right too.  How can I be in a relationship, esp. if we go toward the children and marriage route, if he doesn't want to "see" part of who I am?  And it's not just part of me.  It's a majority of me.  The way I see the world is based on my spiritual beliefs.

RealEyes really had some good points though.  I think I've been looking at this the wrong way.  I keep thinking of it as either a "hide it" or "come out blazing" situation.  I haven't even considered the idea of trying to find crossovers to what he believes, and showing how our beliefs are similar.  Because, honestly, our beliefs are really similar.  He believes in psychic experiences; he actually has psychic experiences fairly often.  He believes other people's gods are just different interpretations of the "one God" (tho I can't get down with monotheism, really).  He's open to experimenting with a ouji board for some reason (but not a fire festival).  He likes yoga and meditation, and stuff like that.  When it comes down to it, we're so so similar.  The one thing separating our "ways" is the whole "big daddy god / praise jesus" situation.  I think jesus was great, but I don't want to worship him.  It's so upsetting to me that the labels of "Christian" and "Pagan" are coming between us more than anything else.  We have similar morals and values.  We want similar things out of life.  I just don't worry about going to hell.

I think, maybe, I'm going to try to follow some of RealEyes's suggestions and try to find crossovers and draw attention to the ways Christianity and Paganism (or my paganism) are similar.  And if that doesn't work, I guess I can at least say I tried and gave us a fair chance rather than hiding and running away from it all.

Raith

good luck i think you may need it and if not a little extra luck never hurt no one    .
i just hope you don't end out hiding again. life is so much better when your free to follow your heart.