Hello Everyone,
  How is everyone today?  I can't take this anymore. I'm done.  I have a mother who for some reason thinks I can't do anything right and needless to say I'm now living up to her expectations.  I feel like crap.  I don't want to do anything deal with anything or go anywhere.  I want to pull the covers over my head and hide away.  My house is a mess and I don't have the energy to clean it and I'm overwhelmed by the whold thing now.  I don't even know where to start.  I sit here crying and don't know what to do anymore.  Alex keeps calling me and screaming at me all the time.  Boy did he learn his lessons well from Grandma.  My own son doesn't hesitate to tell me how bad of a person I am but boy he sures is quick to call me if he needs something or wants me to take him somewhere.  I'm good enough then.  But only if I'm doing what he wants me to do.  God forbid I tell him no.  Then the screaming and berating starts.  And mom's solution is just talk to him.  I'm to the point I wonder why I am doing anything.  I  can't seem to get anything right anymore.  I can't clean my house, I can't even follow through on my daily devotions with the Lord and Lady.  Someone tell me why am I Pagan again.  Why do I even attempt it anymore.  I'm so tired.  My mind is racing and I can't get it to stop.  I feel totally worthless right now.  Okay well actually most of the time.  But boy do I put on a good face.  Everyone always thinks I'm so strong.  I put myself out there like that.  But if only they could see inside of me.  I'm not consistent in anything I do.  I say today I'm going to change and then it ends up going right back to the same old shit.  I'm rambling again.  I'm sorry I unloaded all of this on all of you.  I will stop now.   Have a great day everyone.

We all have to unload sometimes. To keep it all bottled up is asking for trouble.

Ok You live on your own right? Your an adult right? So guess what you have the right to put Mom in her place! I love you Mom but darn it enough. If you can't find anything nice to say, then say nothing to me at all.

Sorry Not sure who Alex is, but you don't have to put up with his/her crap either.

Now as for that son of yours. How old is he? If his 18 or older, guess what, find your own darn ride kiddo. I gave birth to you, I changed your diepur. I fed you, clothed you, loved you. And if you can't show me the respect I deserve, then don't ask me for anything. If he's still a teen, will guess what son we don't get what we want all the time. There is no law that says I have to bring you anywheres. An theres no law that say I have to give you anything except food in your belly, clothes on your back. If you want things (i.e. games, toys, whatnot) get a job!!

Yea I'm being blunt. I've had a long day, and when I see things like this is burn me up. Honey. I think it time for some you time. Time to sweep out that negitive crap that's built up, and bring in some positive. Find your path once more.

Someone wants something right now, say Nope sorry i can't. I need to deal with me right now. If they get pissy will to bad. If they are freinds, they'll understand.

I know I sound hard, as i said long day. but know this, you are worth it. You are good enough, maybe it's they who aren't. Time to step back and refocus.
I light a candle for you, and send some positive to you.

Blessings to you.  An heres a very very very big HUG!!!!

Wow, Spiraling, you ARE having a bad day!     I'm not exactly sure how to put this out to you, because I know what's in my head, but sometimes its tough to express it, and when I do, it sometimes comes out offensive.  But, I'll try.
YOU are a fabulous, wonderful, beautiful, loving, lovely manifestion of the Goddess' love.  Why you allow everyone around you to speak to you the way they do is a mystery to me.  But, you let them.  They have become so used to a pattern of walking on you and then wiping their feet on you when you don't perform the way they want you to, that it has become not only a habit for them, but one for you as well.  You are so ingrained with this habit that when you try to change, you are placing yourself outside of the "normal" life you have created for yourself that you are uncomfortable.  Discomfort is scary and it can send you right back to old patterns if you don't face the fears behind them.  I encourage you to read LEs thread on the Power of Negative Thinking (read it and take it to heart!) that she posted yesterday.  This is where you are right now.  Somehow, you are going to have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and bring your thoughts around.  
I understand that it isn't easy to create positive thought patterns when those around you are so negative.  However, if you can, do it one small, measly little thought at a time.  If someone is chewing you out for something, PLEASE don't take it to heart.  Don't allow the physical "sticks and stones" of someone else's "opinion" (which is usually WRONG!) to effect the way you think about yourself.  If you are having a phone convo with Mom and she starts giving you crap, excuse yourself ("I have another call, Mom, let me call you back").  If your son demands you take him somewhere, explain to him gently that you are expecting company and cannot leave (or something of that sort).  If someone is calling you names or treating you in a worthless manner, they are the ones in the wrong and you do not have to stand there and take it from them.  Tell them that.  Tell them, "I will not allow you to make me feel bad", and walk away.  Of course, they will object, perhaps loudly.  But, if you persist, they will eventually see that you are not giving in and backing down to their demands and the demands will eventually peter away and stop.  BUT...YOU HAVE TO BE CONSISTENT!  You must love yourself first before anyone else.  Allowing others to "feed" those awful ideas about you into your mind is not a self-loving action.  It is self-destructive and it most definitely is the reason you are in depression.

I suffer from depression also.  Mine is chemical, but I refuse to take medications which literally make my brain buzz.  I have bad days, too.  There have been people in my life that have done the same, dragged my personality through the mud and made me feel like I was irresponsible, worthless and unlovable.  Because of the way they made me feel, I lived up to their expectations of me.  I will not say that my life has been blameless and that I haven't done things that have hurt other people, but there is a limit to how much you can allow yourself to beat yourself up about stuff.  And I couldn't allow others to beat me up repeatedly for it, either.  I finally confronted MYSELF (not the people that did it), and am far better able to handle the situations when they arise.  I also no longer live up to those bad expectations.  There is now only one person who criticizes me, and when he does I understand WHY he does it, and I do either change the subject or get off the phone.  I like myself so much better, I CAN do what I want to do.  I CAN succeed and I AM loved and lovable.  More than anything else in this world, I love ME.  I don't care what everyone else thinks.  I LOVE ME! love1

((((((Hugs))))))) Spiraling.  You are the only person you have to please.  Your worth is not based on how convenient you make life for others, or if you live up to their expectations - as long as you live up to your own expectations.  We have all been at the bottom of the well.  Get some sleep, eat something nourishing, and look into your mirror and repeat an affirmation of your own choice until you believe it.  Then give yourself your best, most beautiful smile.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step.  Just keep taking one small step at a time.  We are here for you, dear.  Blessings.

Well SM my response was gonna be to tell all of them 'to kiss your ass, get a life, and leave yours to you!!!!', but I thuoght that might be a tad too blunt and to the point, but since we are being jus tthat, sounds good to me!

Luv, don't answer Mom' calls anymore. Tell your son, that is he needs a ride to call grammy. If he rants, hang up the phone. if' he's standing there, kick him out.

If one of my kids ever ever ever talked to me like that, A) they'd be picking their asses up off the floor, followed by their teeth, and B) they would have a fine time finding out what it would be like to be Motherless, cause this bitch would gladly kick their inconsiderate rude asses to the curb!!!  

You Mother has done her job, raised you, now she needs to back the fuck up and let you live your life!!! It's your house, you can live as you choose, and be happy in it!!!

You house is just that, YOUR HOUSE!!! She can keep hers as she see fits, and you can keep yours as you see fit.

Lock them all out for a period of time. No phone calls, no visits, nada. they can only enter if you open the door. They can only belittle you if YOU allow them to.

It's in your hands. YOU have to decide enuff is enuff!!!

As the old saying goes... time to grow you a brassy set of balls there girlfriend!!!!

Know we're always here for rants!!!!

I like your approach, Novia.  I don't believe anyone would even try that with you.  

moms ARE the worst aren't they dear? because no matter how much you tell yourself you don't care, and that it doesn't matter to you what they think, at the end of the day you want more than anything for them to be proud of you.  From the first time you nervously showed them a crayon drawing waiting for their approval.  Feeling like you've failed to do what they've done for umpteen years (keep house all nice and neat) can really make you feel crummy.  I know, I felt like shit every single time mom so much as called my appartment.  But you both have to realize that times have changed, and certain things are just more important.  And if you're like me, cleaning tends to take up the bottom of the totem pole.  But that's ok too.  As long as you're sanitary enough that nobody's getting food poisoning or anything, what harm comes from dust or muddy foot prints? read the humour section about "dust if you must".  
as for the son, I can't really offer any sage advice, I'm not a parent, I'm in awe of anyone who can do it, and who am I to try to improve the way they're doing it?  I'm sure he's a beautiful, happy and healthy boy, that you worked your ass off to raise, and you should be really proud of that, but darn it all, look after mom too! and he needs to realize that.  

All in all, I think you might just need a day off, put your feet up, sleep, eat lots of good things, and then if your house bothers you, perhaps take a second day to tackle it, if it only bothers mom, then hard as it is, I suggest you tell her to shove it.  

I'm gonna light a candle for you tonight, keep us posted on how it's working out.

Greetings Everyone,
  I just wanted to say thank you all for your candid advice.  Please don't ever feel you need to make things sound pretty for me.  Because I need to hear the truth no matter how it comes out.  I did read the Negative Thinking Post and took it one step further.  I went out to Wal-Mart (ufnortunately I took Alex with me) but anyhow.  I bought me a journal that I'm entitling Positive Things and I am going to make it a point to write something positive about myself in there every morning and then write the positive things I did during the day at night before I go to bed.  I don't care if it if just one thing I did that day but I'm going to write it down.  Needless to say Alex was in rare form tonight.  Alex is my oldest son.  And believe me he has tried me so much it is not even funny.  He has Bipolar and I have tried everything to help him but it seems that he uses it as an excuse to treat me anyway he wants.  Which I really do believe he learned from watching Grammy do it all the time.  Plus her telling him negative things about me doesn't help.  He berated me again today.  Proceeded to tell me everything I had done wrong and everthing else.  I didn't respond to him until he said I was taking his disability check and using some of it for my own personal use.  Then I lost it.  I told him that if that is what he thought I would call the Social Security Office on Monday and remove myself as his Payee and let them appoint a Court Appointed Payee.  Then he told me he didn't want me taking him anywhere unless he called me to tell me that he wanted to go somewhere.  I told him not to worry about it and that I wouldn't be taking him at all anymore.  Ray my best friend and life partner has said in the past that I should break off contact with Alex.  When Alex kicked me in the stomach and tried to hit me in the head with a 2X4 he shot every chance of getting close to Ray.  I did press charges on him and that helped for a while and then one day he started to walk towards me like he was going to do it again.  And I'm not going to lie I drop kicked him in the chest and sent him over a chair.  I know this sounds harsh but I wasn't going to let him hit me again.  There isn't a wall in my house that doesn't have a hole in it from him.  He recently told me he wished I was dead so he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore.  But then the minute he needed something he was calling me right away.  Well tonight thanks to your posts I took a stand.  I told him I would no longer have contact with him and then called my mother and told her what I was doing and that she should not call me to try to get me to check on him or go get him or anything.  You guys are absolutely right.  I don't need this.  I told Ray I would much rather sit in my house in total silence than deal with this anymore.  Also after reading your posts I got up and loaded the dishwasher.  I know you are probably thinking is that all but believe me as depressed as I was that was a big deal.  I realize I don't need to get it all done at once and I don't have to do it the way my mother or anyone else wants it done as long as I am happy with it.  And ALL of you are right. I deserve better.  I am a good person and I deserve to be treated as such.  Again I appreciate all your advice and help.  I will keep you guys update on how things are going.  And Kathartica I totally understand what you are saying I have always wanted my mom's approval.  But I know I will probably never get it.  But I guess that will be okay.  I have found that you guys accept me the way I am flaws and all.  And for that I truly appreciate it.  I think I went a little overboard at Wal-Mart though.  I bought over $190 in cleaning supplies.  So needless to say I have enough to clean my house for months and months.  I bought a lot of lavender scented things because it has such a calming effect.  But anyhow I'm talking your guys ear off.  I will talk to you guys later.  I hope everyone has a great day.

Now I'm all teary eyed Spiraling!!! �

Actually ya knw what I'm gonna call ya Panther Rose, cause ya gotta stop the spiraling part! I think you're in the need to get that part under control and by the sounds of it luv, ya at least got your hand on the brake lever!!!

[marq=left:8a1ea27aaa]YOU GO GIRL!!!!![/marq:8a1ea27aaa]

And Luv you can talk our ears off all day long if it makes you feel one ounce better!!

Now you make sure you stick to your guns!!! You did the right thing. At times it will make you wonder, as a Mother even with a kid like him you are gonna have those Mother attacks where you will question your self, but luv, you gotta look out for you!! By the sounds of it he can more than take care of himself. He's over 18 I presume? LOL You can always go make grammy his payee!!! (Now there's vengence for ya! )

BTW where bouts in Misery (Missouri!) do you live? I'm in KC but on the KS side.

Greetings Everyone,
   Novia I don't know what could have every possibly made you think my life was spiraling (runaway) ?  Is the denial working yet?lol.  Anyhow a decision has been made about Alex.  I will be calling on Monday and removing myself as his payee.  I also think I might be calling his Psychiatrist and telling her that he needs a court appointed guardian.  That way they take all the crap and if he isn't handling himself in the apartment they can get him placed in Residential a lot quicker than I can.  I read the post on the mental noise I thought is was good.  Might be trying that one too.  I do want to say I appreciate all of your guys help, understanding, advice, and patiene with my ramblings.  I promise I'm not always like this sometimes I'm worse.lol.  But I do hope everyone is having a great day.

Oh and Novia I live in Noel.  It is about 30 or so miles from Joplin heading towards Arkansas.

(That Smiley is freaky.  I just woke up, and I can't stop staring at it!)

I am glad to hear that you are taking a stand for yourself, Spiraling.  I think you are going to be just fine!  I think it is good for you to let go of Alex's guardianship.  It sounds as though, perhaps, he can use the extra help, and it will free your hands up to do more "loving" actions.  You would both appreciate each other so much more.
I can see what Novia means about your name, but rather than think about it as spiraling down, lets think about you spiraling upward and inward in the Great Dance.  (I think that was your intention, right?)  
Lots of continued hugs!
(Up)

Greetings SM,
  Yes I agree with you that Alex needs a Guardian. He is 19 but with his problems he can't do this on his own.  And I definately can't be his guardian.  I just have to find a way to put a bug in someone else's ear so that it will come from them.  This way it doesn't make Alex feel like I have given up on him.  Because I know he will and I can't say that I would blame him.  I'm not giving up on him it is just that he needs more help than I can give him.  I see him getting worse and worse and I can't help him anymore.  He has a lot of good qualities too.  I know I made it sound like he was this total monster and I think I should clear that up.  When he is calm and happy he is the nicest kid.  He has the most awesome smile.  He has a heart of gold and would give you anything you needed even if it meant taking it away from himself.  He is a good looking young man and eventually when he gets everything taken care of I know he can succeed in anything he tries.  He is very smart.  Trust me the kid can do anything electronical.  I do love him with all my heart and I hate that it is not going good for him.  I just don't know what else to do with him.  I know one thing though if he wasn't my son I would only see the bad in him and want nothing to do with him.  I would never put up with someone else treating me the way he does and that has to stop.  I can't allow him to treat me that way either just because he is my son.  But anyhow.  I like my freaky smiley I think he is cool lol.  Yes I would definately like spiraling upward.  The original intention was that a spiral never ends and that my learning will never end.  But I like your version better so we will go with that.  I hope you have a great day.

Novia you must be the patron ass-kicker of all mothers - good to know you're out there  

Panther Rose, first, I love you.

Second, you are a capable being.  Congratulations on washing the dishes!!  aa) Write that in your journal. And now that you've taken yourself through the process of dish washing, here's what i do, take what you like leave the rest:

i have two little ones, so there's always dishes and need to use counter/sink space in the kitchen. if my dishes fall behind, i can't manage the most basic stressors of my day. so rule #1 of realeyes' happy homemaking hoedown is always do the dishes before retiring for the evening. it takes that off your list first thing in the morning when you have room in the sink to make the coffee, and are looking down at an empty open sink instead of crusty ketchup and beer (or whatever your house might be doin...). after doing the dishes and tidying up the kitchen, light a nice nightlight in the kitchen as a signal and reminder that you took care of business here today. if you go out for a drink of water later, you'll see it, it'll help you find what you're looking for in the organization you've created, and can't help but bring you a little bit of piece. you EARN the right to light that light at the end of your day, no matter what kind of day it's been. and the simplist act becomes the biggest reward.

It doesn't become routine automatically, but make it the first thing that you DO make routine by dismissing every excuse you come up with not to do them before bed (you'll find thousands, we're full of thousands of excuses...). other things will follow. you thought loading the dishwasher was a nominal effort for self improvement, but i know that's where the whole things starts   FANTASTIC!

Very cool, RealEyez.  I usually try to keep up with the dishes, myself, as that is one of my pet peeves.  That's not to say that they don't pile.  It's just that there's only two of us, and often enough there aren't enough dishes to run the DW, and I'm too lazy to wash by hand.   However, sometimes, I load the DW just to get them out of the sink and off the counter even if it isn't full enough to run.  I like the idea of lighting a nightlight (maybe even a candle for a while) as a reminder.

I have an idea, too, on keeping the bedroom neat.  My biggest problem is that Mr. K sleeps most of the day because of his weird work hours, and it just feels useless after he gets out of it to make the bed when I'm going to be in it in a couple of hours anyhow.  We bought a comforter which can just be thrown over the top rather than something that has to be "worked with".  It's a lot easier.  and faster.

Hey Spiraling,
Just checking in to see how things are going.  Haven't heard from you in a little bit, wanted you to know I'm still thinking about you, and hope you're still doing well

Lots of Love
Kathartica