There is yet another thing Ben and I will never have.  a home of our own.  Congress is passing a bill that will make it impossible to get a home unless you can afford a huge down payment on a home.  Ben and I have been wanting to buy a house.  we figure if we buy one that costs $50000 dollars we can afford the payments.  A friend of Ben's works in the financing business and said payments on a house that cheap would be about $500 a month.  We pay $128 for the trailer and $310 for lot rent so that is not unreasonable.

But if we do not have a house by October when the law goes into effect we will not be able to get one with out a down payment.  We will never have several thousand dollars just laying around for a down payment.  

But we wont have the trailer paid off until next summer and even if we did we would have to pay lot rent here until some one bought the trailer.  Ben's friend is going to try to get us pre-approved for a house so we can snatch one up before this stupid law goes into effect but we can't afford to pay house payments and the lot rent for this dump too.

This trailer is falling in around us.  There are three leaks in the roof, two huge ones.  Ben tried to patch them up last winter but it wasn't enough, place needs a new roof but we can't afford that.  It needs a new wall to,  one wall in the bedroom is rotting where the window leaked  and there is a hole in the floor under the window.  The bathroom floor needs redone because half the tiles are loose and the sink faucet needs replaced because the cold water doesn't work so you have to wash your hands quick before the water gets to hot and burns you.  It's just not a good place to live but once this law is passed we'll be stuck here forever.

And we'll never have kids.  I have always wanted to be a mama but this trailer is no place to raise a kid.  Besides Ben doesn't want a kid until we can afford to raise one.  He is right, it would be wrong to bring a child into this world we can not support.  We can barely take care of ourselves, we could never afford a kid and I wouldn't want to force a human being to live in poverty.

I just hate being poor.  It seems no matter how hard we work we can't get ahead.  Ben is making $12 an hour now I am am helping with the bills but living expenses are going up in such a way that we can still barely make it.  We don't want much. A little house, even if it's a fixer upper. and I just want to be a mommy but we can't afford it.

I can't even afford to go to a doctor.  I don't have health insurance at my job, I work in a gas station.  I have a tooth that has been hurting me on and off for 4 years now and I can't even afford to go to the dentist and get it pulled.  And Ben and I need new glasses but we can't afford that either.  I am still wearing the glasses I got in high school because that's all I have.  And of course if we can't afford to take care of our own health we have no business having a kid when the childhood vaccinations alone would put us in debt.

I am sorry to rant and rave like this but I don't know what to do.  Like I said if we don't get out of this trailer soon we wont get out.  and it's not a safe place even for an adult to live.  And I can't get a better job.  I only have a highschool education, I never went to college so not many places other than convenience stores or fast food places would even look at me and I am not suited for a desk job because I have ADHD, I can not sit still and pay attention.  Even if I could I would be miserable.

I don't know what to do.  I play the lotto but I know my chances are better of getting hit by lightening.  I know I'll never win.   And I have my books but it might take me 10 or 20 years to finish one and even then I might never get published.  

It's just so unfair.  I work hard.  I treat others the way I would want to be treated.  I never leave the store dirty or the ice bins empty.  I try to help people who come in asking for directions even though I don't know where anything is besides the Kroger.  Just the other day I loaned a guy a few dollars for gas because his wife was broke down but his tank and wallet were both empty.  All I had to give him was three dollars but it got him to his wife and he paid me back  five when he came back but I didn't really expect anything in return.

All I really want is a clean safe home and a child.  That doesn't seem like a lot.  Why is it so impossible to reach?  I hate being poor!  I don't want to be rich but I would like to be comfortable.  I would like to be safe and happy with the family I have wanted since childhood.

I at least have Ben.  And I have three beautiful little kitties.  And I am thankful for them.  I don't know what I'd do with out my Ben and my kittens.  But it would be nice to have all the bills paid on time and not have to worry about leaving the trailer in a bad storm and to know that one day I'll be called mama by a little one.  I just don't know how to make it happen. Even if I do a spell magic can only take you so far.  Money and warm houses can't be made out of incense and sea salt.

I know I don't have it as bad as some people.  there are many people living in card board boxes and thousands of people dye everyday from problems far worse than toothaches and bad eye sight.  But I don't want much.  I just want to be happy.

Indigo, I feel your situation, but I need to say something.  You never will "have" as long as you sing the blues.  Yes, I understand your house is falling down around you and things don't look so bright, but even in the darkest dungeon, we should give thanks for what we do have.  Like you said, "there are people that live in cardboard boxes".  (I don't know if you've been following the "Secret" thread, but why don't you pop in there and give it a try?  There's a lot of really great information that might just be what you need.)  Your life will never stay the same, as life is constantly changing.  So, since you probably aren't where you were ten years ago, imagine where you might be ten years from now, but don't think of all the negative stuff, think of how you want it to be.  Obviously you will not always live in this broken down old trailer.  This is just a pausing point to something better, but YOU have to LET it be better.  I know its not easy to dwell on the good things when your world is seemingly in a shambles.  Most of us here have been through that situation (maybe more than once) and know that it will get better.  I think that the idea of snatching a house NOW is a good one.  Why not?  If its what you want and you know it will be difficult later, there's no time like the present.  Take what you want.  Don't let it just come to you.   My husband's uncle has a saying, "Keep the momentum!"

I agree with Seamonster. You've got to cut out the "never have" Yea it's hard, and Bush is an idiot, but there will be another pres. that would undo that law in a heart beat. Bush is only for the oil industery. You've got to think of the house of your dreams as already yours. Keep that thought at all time. An keep saving. The right house is out there, it just may not be the right time. Hang in there. You'll see.

+Your thoughts Do create cause and effect. Case in point. I wanted a new refigerator, ours was over 20years old and on it's second motor, the seals were bad, hell it was gone from one part. But I kept thinking I already had a new one, a side by side, nothing fancy, just a nice new white frig. Months pasted, but I kept seeing that new frig. Then out of the blue I got my frig and it looked just like the one I had pictured.

-Second case in point, I never really thought about getting in a car wreck. But some months back the thought kept poping in my head. "I'm going to get in a wreck". Now weather it was a warning or not. It happened. I wreck my car. It was my own fault. An I know I brought it on myself. Now because I was aware of this coming wreck i had slowed down on the way I zoomed (speed) around. My car was wrecked but NO one was hurt.

So you can have what you want, but you can drive it away just as will.

Dearest Indigo Faerie,

I think we all have been "at the bottom of an empty well" at some time or other, as you seem to be now.  It is really hard when you are at the bottom and thinking things will never get better is part of where you are now.  You're frustrated and probably alittle afraid and feeling stuck.  I can really understand how you feel, I've been there myself more than once or twice!  

HOWEVER, every time I've been sitting in despair in the damp, dark, smelly bottom of my well, I've learned something hugely important about myself, life, the way things work, etc.  AND, something unexpected came along to help me out of that well!!  Not that I didn't put in alot of effort on my own, but magickly, there always seemed to be help even if I didn't recognize it at the time.  The lessons learned from the really hard times are some of the most important (even though those hard times reallly suck!) Try your best to "keep a good thought" and be hopeful.  Be aware of quirky, unlikely chances and be ready to take them!  As Indeshadows and Seamonster say, you do need to at least try to be alittle more positive, and you are already starting by being grateful for Ben and your kitties!  I know it's easy to say have more faith in yourself and your capabilities, but you do yourself a disservice by putting yourself down so much.  I only have a high school diploma also, but I have confidence that I can make a good impression and the belief that I am not unintelligent (which is another way to say I'm not totally stupid) and I have gotten several decent jobs throughout my life!  BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!  It is the first step to making things better.  Give yourself pep-talks, be your own supportive best friend, make and repeat your affirmations everyday!

Know that those of us here care about you and your situation.  I will be sending positive energy your way and it will make a difference if you allow it to.  May you and Ben and your kitties be blessed with good fortune!  So mote it be!!  (hear rumbles of thunder)

Thanks all of you.  I know I need to try and be more positive, it's just hard sometimes and seems to get harder.I think things might get a little better if I get a different job.  I have been telling my boss for months now that I need more than 3 days a week but she has to many people working for her and wants to give us all the same number of hours, even though the actions of some say they want a lot less work than the actions of others.  I won't name names or give examples since I am trying to keep my own karma up.  I have put in an application at Kroger 3 times but they don't need cashiers.  I guess I'll put other things on my next application, I figure most of the more specialized areas like deli or bakery they'd train you for.

I heard Kroger is a good company to work for and if we get a house down in Griffin (All the cheap houses are down that way)  I can probably transfer rather than quite and start all over.  Plus I could get insurance.  I get none though the gas station and I need to see a dentist.  Wouldn't hurt to get a check up either since I haven't been to a doctor since I was 18.  I also have an application for Rite Aid I was filling out but it seems to have gone into hiding.  Guess I'll stop by and get anew one on my way into work.  It's right across the street.

I also heard the local day care is looking for help so of course I'll have to check that out.  Probably won't get insurance or be able to transfer but I miss working with kids.  I have no babies of my own and my entire family is in Virginia so I have had no opportunities to babysit for my cousins.

But when it's all said and done these jobs are just that, jobs.  Not careers.  I need to finish a book and try to get it published.  Thats going to take time.  But I think they'll sale.  I might never be rich but my books might make me comfortable.  Just look at J.K. Rowling, she was a homeless, single mother when she wrote Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

I use to write fan fictions all the time.  I had 53 chapters of one story up on fanfiction.net.  People told me I am good.  But its much easier to write when you can put it all on the web one chapter at a time and get continuous praise and feedback.  It's much harder to write an original book that no one will read for perhaps 10 years.

I only write what I want and would never change my stories to make someone happy.  I am an artist, not a speech writer after all.  But at the same time hearing how much some one appreciates you work is good for the soul.  It inspires you to want to write more.  And at the moment my muse seems to  be in hiding.  Or at least she and I are never at the computer at the same time  i had some great ideas at work the other day but now I can't think of them.  Does any one know an incantation to call the muses?

Keep looking on the bright side. It will happen for you. At least you don't live in LA, a cheap house is 350,000.  (bang)  LOL

I cried because I didn't have shoes until I saw a man with no feet.



Kath

I'm so jealous!!!!!  You're going to be an author!!  I love reading and often fantasize about writing a book, but, alas, never get around to actually doing anything about it.  Your whole post sounded so positive, you're exploring new options and finding out there is a way to get what you want.  Good for you!  You've made my day happier, thank you!

We have found a house we might have a shot at!  And it's close to where we live so If I wouldn't have to worry about finding a new job right away. (I am still looking since my boss won't give me the hours I keep begging for.)

None of the houses in Griffin that we can afford are livable.  the realtor called us the other day and told us so.  If the house stands empty for more than a few days vandals break in and strip it if wiring and any copper plumbing to sell for scrap metal.  It's a poor area which is why we thought we could get something down that way.  But that means people are hurting right now and turning to crime.  I feel bad for them, I'm sure a lot of them are usually decent people who felt they had no choice with the economy the way it is now.

But yesterday the Realtor called him and told him that two places just opened up in Palmetto so we went and took a look.  She e-mailed Ben the codes to get the keys out of the locked boxes on the door and we let ourselves in.  The first one was bigger but cheaper.  And we could see why.  When we pulled up we noticed there was a tarp on the ceiling and a lot of rotting wood.  When we went inside there was no flooring, the carpet had been pulled up and their was plaster and dust everywhere.  walking through the down stairs w could see where drywall panels had fallen from the ceiling and their were water stains on the wall.  So that was a NO.  We will fix a lot of things but Ben refuses to mess with water damage.

So we put the keys back and went to look at the other one.  Its a bit more expensive, $59000, but it was in great shape.  It's all brick.  it had a few shingles missing on the roof but Ben says he can fix that in a day with some roofing shingles and tar.  It had a huge fenced in back yard with a shed and some tress and bushes.  Inside was very well kept, it looked like a couple of do-it-yourself people had lived in it and tried to keep it nice.

Ben was excited by the heating and cooling system, said it was a very energy efficient system.  It had three little small bedrooms.  Ben said they were the size of the bedrooms here but I think they were a little smaller.  Some one had turned to garage into a spare room with large glass double doors that let in the light. and it had a huge kitchen.  I think Ben fell in love with that all electric kitchen. He loves to cook but we really don't have much of a kitchen here.  He couldn't afford to fill the gas tank for the stove so ever since he moved in here he's been using  a two burner hot plate, his toaster oven and the microwave for most cooking.

And when we looked out the kitchen window owe noticed on of the trees outback was loaded down with red pears.  We hadn't noticed before because we were looking for damage on the house.

Over all the house had a very welcoming feeling.  Very cozy and warm. And the neighbor hood seemed quiet to.  He wasn't really wanting to spend $60000 dollars but that house is so worth it.  And he hopes maybe he can talk them down a bit.  He has a friend in the home loans business who is going to try and get Ben pre-approved for the loan.  Last night after dinner Ben ran some numbers and figured we'd end up paying about $70 dollars more than we do here so all we'd have to cough up each month is about $35 extra a person.

I just hope we can get the loan.  It would be a wonderful place to live.

Don't hope, you have to know in your heart of hearts that you have te loan, and you'll get it. If it's ment to be it will. I'll cross my figures for you, and even burn a candle.

The only thing one can get for $60,000 here is a moblehome. An even with the thret of flooding here property values are climbing by leap and bounds. Just 3/4 years ago my house was valued at about 95,000, now it's more like $130,000. An from what I've been hearing lately it could jump again in the next 6 months.

Have you looked into first home buyers programs? I know that in some areas there are ways to get help if your buying your first home.

Any who, crossing my figures for ya.

Wow, that sounds like a great place for a great price.  I'm like Inde, houses here are much higher than that, and what you'd find for 60K would have flood and/or wind damage.  I love the idea of the pears outside the kitchen window!  There's gonna be some Luuuuuuv goin' on in that kitchen!  
Like Inde says, you already have the loan, you just need to go finish the paperwork.  Whenever you drive by the house, see it as yours.  "Look, there's my house!"

Does Ben have any military background?  They might be able to approve him for a VA thing.

No, Ben doesn't have any military back ground.  He is a very peaceful person who would never hurt a fly unless the fly threatened us.  And is to much of an individual and artist to follow strict orders and live in barracks.

Plus he has a lot of physical problems that would have kept him out of the military even if he had wanted in.

Sounds like you are very lucky with the price of the house.  You couldn't find anything under $250,000 here at the moment and those wouldn't be worth looking at.  So good luck for it all, hope it works out.

Kath

There is one small problem, they like for you to have enough money to pay two months of bills in the bank before giving 100% loans like we need.  We have nothing in the bank.  Ben has been planning to put his Van on Craigslist.  If it sales he can put that money directly in the bank.  The money doesn't have to stay there, just be there  for a while unfortunately he doesn't know anyone who could loan him 2000 or so to keep in the bank for a few weeks then give it back.

But Hopefully things will work out.  I have been trying to visualize myself working in a garden in that backyard of standing at the kitchen window looking at my pear tree or even  the mattress in the bedroom floor we'll sleep on.

This is the link to the realty page      My house   Nothing huge or fancy, just a cute little brick house

I was going to try to use some spells in the spell book but I couldn't find a little brown bottle for the  house spell at target, I just thought of something, would a soda bottle work?  If a plastic one won't I could get a class one and seal it with  candle was if the lid won't go back on.

Also where could I get a plain magnet for spells?  I looked at target but I couldn't find any that didn't have plastic flowers on them and didn't think those would be to appropriate for a spell.  Should I just get some cheap magnets from the dollar store and pry the magnet away from the plastic part?

I would appreciate it if any one wanted to visualize us in this house.  If you need to know what we look like I can link you our OKcupid pages (thats how we met)  I don't really have any pictures of use together in part because I don't have a camera and also because Ben hates having his picture taken but my mom got some when we had just started dating.

Maybe it's silly but I kind of feel like if more people than just little ol' me were thinking about us getting this house we might just be able to.

Sweetie, that house is fancy enough for me (I'm an apartment dweller).  How beautiful!  Too bad she didn't post a pic of that pear tree (seems to be very important, here!)  

If you use a glass bottle, couldn't you find a cork at the craft store that would fit the neck?  If not, stuff a wad of paper or something in it before you seal it with the wax.
as for the magnet, you should also be able to get some of that sheeting at the craft store as well.  I used to go to the craft section in Walmart, but they've really minimized it in the last few months, so they don't really have much anymore!  (Besides Wal-mart is getting to be a headache on a good day!)

I can already visualize you in this house.  You've got a fancy car (I don't know what it is because I don't know my cars very well) in the driveway.  There's a couple kids popping in and out, giggling their heads off, too, their bikes tossed haphazardly in the yard.  Flowers are everywhere, and, hmmm...isn't that the scent of herbs coming from the backyard?