Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"  

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."  

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"  

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."



Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?  
A: "I think I'm coming down with something."  

Q: What songs do the planets sing?  
A: Neptunes.

WOW the puns are flying today in the castle....lol......hmmmm are flying puns like flying nuns....lol

   

I was in a store the other day and grabbed a bag of chocolates. A lady next to me asked if i was going to buy them. I told her Nope I'm going to steel them. The look on her face. Priceless!!

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."  

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."  

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.


Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?  
A: Put the remote control between his toes.  

Q: What do you call a German with a bad attitude?  
A: A sour crout.

Those are great.

Q: What is black and white, black and white, black and white?  
A: A zebra caught in a revolving door.  

Q: What are a plumber's favorite shoes?  
A: Clogs.  

Q: Why did the leper get in a car accident?
A: He left his foot on the gas.

Q: Where do very smart hot dogs end up?  
A: On honor rolls.  

Q: Why did the ape get a job?  
A: He was tired of monkeying around.

hehe, awesome.

A Psychology professor was giving a lecture on Bi-Polar Disorder.  

"Let us establish some parameters," said the professor. "Now then, Bennett, what is the opposite of joy?"  

"Sadness," replied Bennett.  

"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Buston?"
 
"Elation, sir."  

"And you Thomas, how about the opposite of woe?"  

"I believe that would be giddy-up, sir."


Q: What did the squirrel say to his girlfriend?  
A: I'm nuts about you.  

Q: What is a cow's favorite holiday?  
A: Moo year's day.

Two guys are being chased by a bear, when one stops to put on his sneakers.
The other guy yells, "You idiot, you can't outrun a bear."  
The first guy gasps, "I don't have to outrun a bear - I just have to outrun you."

Q: Why can't the leopard hide?
A: Because he's always spotted.  

Q: What do you call a scared dinosaur?  
A: A nervous Rex.

Q: Do you know what burns my butt?  
A: Fire about three feet high.

During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained that his entry point gave a uch better effect and that he wouldn't play it as written. When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he fired the young musician from the band, he replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."

Q: What do potatoes wear to bed?  
A: Their yammies.  

Q: How can you get four suits for a dollar?  
A: Buy a deck of cards.

When I was young I dreamed of being a test pilot. Flying higher, faster, farther. Risking my life for the science of aviation. But when I grew up I found out I wasn't qualified because of my poor eyesight. Now I work in a post office which gives me many of the same thrills.  

I'm always pushing the envelope!

Q: What do lawyers wear to court?  
A: Lawsuits.  

Q: What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?  
A: Boo-berries.

Q: Why do fish live in salt water?  
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze.  

Q: If you peel my skin I won't cry, but you will. What am I?  
A: An onion!

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?  
Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!

Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

1) Hold down the shift key.

2) Hit the 4 key four times.

A guy gets into a taxi after a boozy night out and halfway through the journey wants to stop and buy cigarettes. He taps the driver on the shoulder and suddenly the driver screams, swerves across the road and mounts the sidewalk stopping just short of a brick wall.
All was quiet for a few moments and then the driver turns around and says "Don't EVER tap me on the shoulder whilst I'm driving EVER again". The guy says, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would scare you so much"
The driver replies, "It wouldn't normally but this is my first night as a taxi driver and up until yesterday, for twenty five years, I was driving a Hearse.

Q: What do you call a cat who eats lemons?  
A: A sour puss!  

Q: What happened to the butcher?  
A: He backed into a meat cutter and got a little behind in his work.

Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"

The other replied, "You're darn right we're poisonous! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"

To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue."



Q: What's the definition of Macho?  
A: A guy jogging home from a vasectomy.  

Q: What has four legs and flies?  
A: Two pairs of pants.