I feel like I've lost my shadow.  Not that she followed me, or was less than me or anything like that, just that she was an integral part of who I am, familliar, comforting, and never far away.  Dylann and I have broken up... we want to stay friends though, and I think we'll manage, once I scrape back together the pieces of my heart... it's the best decision, it really is... we sat and held each other and talked it out.  We had been together almost a year, I thought we had planned to move in together for a semester in January, but it turns out she was just joking.  she was happy with our relationship just the way it was, and I wanted to move forward.  Get a dog, maybe some day get married, have kids even... I was immagining a life together, a real life.  She didn't want things to change.  She never told anyone she didn't have to about me, and certainly nobody close to her.  I get that coming out is scary, and especially if you're confused about your sexuality.  She will probably only have boyfriends from here on out, so why put her self in a category, and be branded, and labelled.  I was starting to feel like a dirty secret though, like something to be embarrassed about, ashamed of.  On the 10th, she's heading up to thunder bay.  She'll be there for 5 months, then home for a while, then gone again to the UK for her phd, which will be 3 more YEARS.  I'm not clingy, I'm not a horn dog, I could wait for her, really I could.  Actually it's kinda doubtful that I'll find another girlfriend in that time.  But at least now I can be free to if I want.  It's hard to wait for someone you aren't sure will come back to you.  Her academics have always come first and probably always will. I'm not sure she'll ever get a job, she seems like a professional student.  they come first, any relationship is an after thought.  And she didn't want to move forward, didn't want to ever have anything more serious with me.  It just became clear that there was no future, that we had hit the end of where our pathes divulged.  Sure we could fight through the brambles, to try to stay together, each getting sidetracked from where our own pathes should be taking us, but it would be a hard road, that our relationship wouldn't survive, and by the end of it we'd be bitter, and angry, and hate eachother.  I still love here very much, and know that she loves me too.  but our lives aren't meant to go together, so the kindest thing we could do for each other was for each to let the other go gently now.  Stay best friends.  She means a lot to me.  And not just because we share a bed.  And a part of me saw this ending a while back and wants to breathe a sigh of relief now that it's not a dark cloud looming anymore.  But the other part of me wants to curl up with about ten pounds of chocolate and a cheezy chick flick, a big cozy sweater and 5 boxes of kleenex.  Strike the sweater, the coziest "I feel crummy" sweater I have was once hers...
So I've been keeping busy, going about life... but suddenly a lot of my plans have changed, everything's different... And I couldn't possibly begin to describe the hurt I'm feeling.  I never even meant to fall in love with her you know.  When it started we were both in the closet, we were friends with benefits, and that suited us fine, there was no forever, just that I'd be her friend forever, and her lover as long as she wanted me to be.  I'll keep that promise, but we fell in love, and now it's a lot harder to keep than I anticipated.  

... and none of you care, I'm sorry to drone on... I just... I don't know, it's all been swirling in my head, I figure if I give it a way out, pour it into the keyboard... tell it to someone else, maybe I can move on, and notice that this week we've had the best weather all summer.  That life keeps on going, and I will too. Give it some perspective again, because right now this is everything to me.

Love your loved ones while you have them, cherish what you've got
Kat

Kat, excuse me young lady we do so care, at least I do and i know alot of others do as well.

We're family here!

Losing someone you love is hard, cry your tears, eat you choccie, and watch your flicks, then move forward yourself.

She must do the same.

sometimes our paths cross others for only a short time, but it is an important short time.

Feel free to vent away Luv, we're here for ya always!

I'm with Novia.  We all care very much.

At least it was special for the both of you first time round.  You have some lovely memories to keep.

The chocie sounds like a winner to me as well.

Be strong and know that all heals and time moves on.

Best wishes to you girl.

Kath

Be thankful you were able to part as friends. �You shared something neither of you will ever have again. �Cherish the memories...they'll always be there.

I'm sorry I didn't... I didn't meant to imply that any of you are cold or unfeeling or anything, that's just my own insecurity showing through... I'm always convinced people have lives too busy, and too much on their plates to remember me, or what's going on in my life... I'm sorry everybody.  

I think I have to take a trip to blockbuster today, I'm at a complete lack of girly chick flicks.  neither myself or my mom generally watches them, so we don't have many in the house.  I also think getting out of the house is good.  Later on I'm gonna head on down to the animal shelter and spent 2 hrs or so walking the dogs.  

Now that I won't be moving into the loft with Dylann (rent was gonna be a ridiculously low 250/month) I can't afford to live in toronto while going to the school that I want to, it's just not gonna be within my reach, so I'm trying to come to terms with living in my parent's house and commuting.  There's a bus that could pick me up a block from my house, and then take me to brampton where I could catch the train right into toronto, then take the subway to school.  It's gonna mean a long commute, but really what are my options.  I'm trying to come up with things that will make living here a little more bearable... I know mom's gonna be nagging me to study all the time, and the boys are loud and annoying, and dad's gonna tease me about kicking me out.  I think I need to dig out my kettle and coffee maker and set them up in my room, keep a stash of snacks here in my room, and spend most of my time with the rest of the world locked out. It's gonna be a lot more stressful, and I'm gonna be more likely to skip studying... but I'll have to be aware of that and make myself do it.  Massage is a really hard course, especially the anatomy and physiology.  I can't afford not to study.  Commuting is gonna cost me more than rent would have!

(hug)