Me and my ex husband have 2 wonderful and handsome sons. One is 10 and the other is 14. Our oldest has been living with him for the last 4 years. I have had the youngest. My oldest son in the last 4 years has gone from being the openly loving, caring soul that I had with me to a closed minded, hates to be touched, young man. His father remarried 2 years ago to a bitch from hell. My son started acting out about 1 year after they were married. He's now flunking school, doing drugs, drinking, having sex and who knows what else. He has made the decision that he does not want to be with his father anymore and has started talking to me about everything(and i do mean everything) that has been going on with him. He felt like a slave at his father's house thanks to stepmom. And I have had just about enough of his father's bullshit of defending his wife. He cannot see or refuses to see that she is the reason his relationship with his son has gone to hell. I am so mad at him that I just want to scream!!!!!  Now, he wants to take our son to counseling. Which in of itself is a good thing. However, my sean does not like this counselor at all. And everytime he goes, he gets absolutely nothing out of it. I am so tired of fighting with his dad about this shit. I just don't get how in the hell someone could be so blind. I am also mad at myself for letting him go and live with his dad. I find myself having to have all the "talks" with him. I am the one teaching him how to drive, how to deal with his girlfriend, how to deal with peer pressure and all the other fun stuff that his  "dad" should've talked to him about. And he loves me for it and is grateful that I am taking the time to be his mom. It just breaks my heart that he's had to suffer. I feel like I let him down in such a big way and I don't think that there's anything I can do to make up for it other than apologize. I have tried talking to my ex. So has his sister, and he ignores both of us. He never calls and checks on either one of them. Or even just to say hi. He has no relationship with his children and as always, it's my fault. I don't make them call him or go see him. He lives less than 10 min away from us. I swear, i just want to hit him over the head with something so he will wake up to the fact that he's losing his children............
Sorry about the rant. I just felt the need to get it off my chest and let it go..

Rant away.

Just be Mom.

Sibrei,
Your 14 year old sounds like most teenagers I know.  I think once they pass 12 years old they become aliens.  

It's awful isn't it? I just hope that that's all it is. Like I said, his dad makes me soo mad........I could go on and on and on about that relationship. LOL. But I'll just keep being mom and picking up the pieces(like always)    But hey, that's why he's an EX!  

I am assuming that you have the oldest now with you?  I wasn't sure.  If not, can you get him?  Would pop be arrogant about that?  (I have a 14 year old that is 3000 miles away, and I am still his best friend because of HIS father...*&^%ing conservative Xtian with authoritarian issues...only mine suffers from depression and low self-worth.)  Yes, that's why they are EXes.  Kids will naturally gravitate toward the people who give them love and praise--even though its "embarrassing" as a teenager, an "I love you", "you are such a joy to me" and hugs and kisses still mean something to them.  Even parents that love their kids will sometimes ASSUME the kids KNOW they love them, not realizing that kids will mirror what they are taught.  Indifference breeds indifference.  Confusion breeds confusion.  Disdain breeds disdain.  Stepmonsters often do that to kids because they have no natural affiliation with them.  My kids' stepmom is nice, but she is often aloof to their affections and this only exasperates many issues with my three, especially the middle one, the 14 year old.  The main problem they deal with is that their father is SO afraid to let go and let them explore their own personalities.  He is such a firm believer in "spare the rod and spoil the child" that he has kept them under his foot for 6 years.  (Part of it is my fault for leaving--he punishes them so that they "don't turn out like their mother"--***hole--part of it is ignorance--but the greater part of it is his own low self-worth that he would rather put on his children than suffer alone.)  I half expect that 14 year old to show up on my doorstep unannounced one day with a duffel bag telling me he's run away.  (which I would rather see than the alternative!)

Yes, he is with me now. He's been here for a little over a month. I got a phone call one day at work that he was sick and tired of his step mom(so much so, that he told her to f*** off and die) He has finally started loosening up. He returns my hugs with alot of affection and doesn't flinch anymore when I hug him and kiss him on the  cheek and tell him I love him. He has opened up and started talking again. Only time will tell on how he will turn out....

I am so sorry for the hard time your son is having  thankfully he is with you now!!! that is exactly where he needs to be
you can't make up for the past but, you can give him a good future... sister ,you had no idea what would happen .
kids are very resiliant he is already coming around to you and that's what's important. I would not worry about their father seeing them right now he will be the one who misses out.
good luck to you and your kids and have a very good thanksgiving!!!

Bri

Sibrei you sound like a great mom!  Keep up the good work!  Went through the same thing with my daughter.  Don't feel guilty about the past, what's important is that you are there for your son now.  Kids can tell who is stable and loving and who the ***holes are, and they will naturally want to be with the stable parent.  My daughter is now nineteen, living with a very nice boyfriend in their own apartment, has a job and is attending community college.  Three years ago I wasn't sure she would survive to see nineteen, much less be doing well.  Hang in there and rant away!  You've got alot of sympathetic and wise ears here to lean on.  Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Thanks. It feels really good to be able to let all this negativity out. It's taken along time to get over all of it with his dad and unfortunately things like this have a way of bringing it all up again.  But I realize that in order to grow as a person, I have got to let it go.....thanks again guys. Will keep you updated on how we are doing.

*gives you and your children some cookies*  They are for when all that will help even a little is a cookie. ^_^ Hope everything is going along well.

Well, things are going well at the moment. His dad has finally agreed to try a different counselor. I have told him and my son that I will no longer be the go between for them. For the sake of my sanity, I had too.  My son has quit drinking. Still working on the smoking pot, but overall, his attitude is improving.Now,we have to work on school thing. His grades are improving but he still has a ways to go. Thanks for the support.

Glad to hear things are going well!  I hope your Yule-time is joyous and fulfilling!

Not being the go-between for your son and his father is a very wise thing to do!  That was one I had to learn as well, and it was hard for me as my kids and their father learned how to deal with each other without my interfering.  Even when your mediating comes out of compassion, or caring, or whatever good intentions, they need to learn how to  deal with each other directly.

As for the self-medicating, take it one day at a time.  Every day is a new chance to stay straight and a new beginning.  There will be bad days, but there's always tomorrow to start over again.  My son went through a horrendous time a few years back (including a night spent in a psychiatric emergency ward - talk about a true nightmare!).  He still struggles, although the struggles are more and more manageable as time goes on.  He is a wonderful, lovable, talented, caring person and is finally starting to believe in himself.  The change is awesome to see happening.  You'll see it in your son too.  It's the reward for going through all the tough times!

Stay strong, Sibrei.  Know that I keep a good thought for you and your son everyday.  Thanks for letting us know how you're doing!!