A brilliant research scientist was finally able to
overcome the obstacles to cloning a human being. With his
new, secret technique he wanted an ideal subject to clone.
He thought for a while, and considering that he was a
genius he decided to clone himself.

But the experiment didn't turn out very well. The clone was
terribly ugly, and used the most vulgar language the doctor
had ever heard. So he took it to a cliff and pushed it off.

The police, however, got wind of what he was going to do
and actually saw him get rid of the clone. "You're under
arrest," shouted the officer.

"You can't arrest me," replied the doctor. "I didn't kill
anyone. That was only a creation."

"That may be so," answered the police, "but we have to
arrest you for making an obscene clone fall."

A Scotsman paying his first visit to the zoo stopped by
one of the cages.

"An whut animal would that be?" he asked the keeper.

"That's a moose from Canada," came the reply.

"A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man - they must
ha' rrrats like elephants ower there!"

"Who broke this window?" cried a furious father.

"It was Andy, Dad." replied the young boy. "He ducked when
I threw a rock at him."

"Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger?"

"No, but in the cafe next door I saw a man eating chicken!"

The butcher's boy had been dismissed for being lazy and
talking back. So he vowed to have his revenge that very
next Saturday. Early in the morning, when the shop was
packed with people buying meat for the weekend, he marched
in, elbowed his way to the counter and slapped down one
very, dead cat.

"There you are, boss!" he called out cheerily. "That makes
one dozen even."

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic with
an insomniac? Someone who lies awake at night wondering
whether there is a dog.

Two guys are being chased by a bear, when one stops to put
on his sneakers.

The other guy yells, "You idiot, you can't outrun a bear."

The first guy gasps, "I don't have to outrun a bear - I
just have to outrun you."

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go check in aisle 4."

In aisle 4 the guy finds a woman named Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch,
and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified. He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to aisle 4. Sophie grabs
him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and
leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. The clerk asks him what size.
Embarrassed, the kid says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what
size."

The clerk sends him over to aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells "Clean up
in aisle 4!"

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them. One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"

The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!"

A young couple goes up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
After bringing in all of the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them between my legs and I'll warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Wow, honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She sighs and says, "Gee, honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

George Bush was watching CNN one morning when he learned that three Brazilian soldiers had been killed that morning in Iraq. Turning pale, gasping for breath, he immediately got on the phone to Dick Cheney.
"Dick, I need to know something. How many's in a brazilion?"

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $10,000 loan to take a
vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick
Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with
some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult
with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants
to borrow $10,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the
world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone"

An efficiency expert, called into a company to find out
why they were losing money, stopped one man and asked
him what he did.

"Nothing," said the employee.

The expert turned to another man standing nearby and
asked him what he did.

"Nothing," was his reply.

"Oh," said the efficiency expert, "too much duplication."

The salesman reported back to his boss after several
weeks on the road and said, "All I got was two orders."

"What were they? Anything good?"

"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and
'Stay out!"

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away
with stealing several paintings from the Louvre?

After planning the crime, getting in and out past security,
he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran
out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had
no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."