Hey everyone. I have been a member of this site for a few years, but have always been quiet. This site and all of you have helped me on my path to Paganism and have been such a source of strength for me. I need help. I am so lost lately. I am 38 years old now and my only daughter is going to be 13 in December.
I lost my mom, my mentor, my best friend in February of this year. She was only 64 (yesterday she would have been 65). She was full of life and powerful Lightworker energy until she began showing strange stroke-like symptoms back in December of 2008. Long story short; she went from being an amazing speaker, counselor, woman and Lightworker to being bedridden, blind, unable to speak and could no longer control any of her bodily movements or functions in a mere 5 weeks. When she was finally diagnosed (a RARE neurological disorder called Creutzfeld-Jacobs Disease) she died three days later. I was there......watched her move from this side to the next.
Since then, I no longer speak to any family members (long story there), quit my job and am trying to just get out of bed every morning. I do ok, mind you, for my kid. It's an act. I do well and we are ok financially. I am not severely depressed....the only way I can describe how I am feeling is.....When my mom was alive, everything was in color. Now everything is in black and white. How do I get the color back again? I don't feel her spirit around.......I just need some words....some comfort....a kick in the ass!
Thank you in advance.

R.V.

You are so truly blessed to have had a mother such as that, newage. It is no wonder that you are struggling without such strength and support.

I've never personally had someone of such positive energy in my life. I cannot say that life is better having only lived in "black and white," as you say, or if it would be worse to know the beauty of color.

I am not from a nurturing family background, so I do not know how much comfort I can give, but I very much empathize with what you are experiencing. I will not promise you that things will get better, but I will say that if you have had the capacity to experience life to the extent of joy you described, then there is every possiblity you will regain this as you heal.

You have had such a wonderful mentor from whom to learn, perhaps you should consider being the strength you saw in your mother and become a mentor yourself?

I am so sorry for your loss NV, I have one question to ask.

What would your Mother tell you about how you are feeling/acting?

Not many of us are blessed with the type of relationship you were blessed with. Cherish it, feel it, grieve for it, because you have lost alot. a Mother, a friend, a mentor, a part of your Self. She's still there, still with you, you just have to move past the grief, and open your heart, and eyes back up, and one day again, the color will return, until then, find the beauty in the black and white, cause it's still there.

may the clouds of despair and sorrow pass by you quickly and completely, so that your light may reach into your surroundings yet again.

it sounds as though throughout life, you may have met your mother half way to illuminate the satisfying, to help you realize fulfilling experiences. now, it is up to you to decide and define what satisfies you in this life, what makes life worth living, what brings life alive. have patience with yourself, and enjoy this new leg of your journey.

i've found in this world of constant change, there is no "good" to get "back to". but there is always light, always happiness, always joy, to be experienced no matter where you are. so forge ahead, aware, so damn lost in the middle of who knows where, knowing that each situation presented to you is a chance to choose the light(hearted) perspective, a chance to practice ease, and chance to let go and experience fulness now.

thank you for showing your "face", so to speak. you've allowed awareness to bring light to your situation - the only source of a colorful world.

I wanted to thank you for your responses. Stacey; I know I have been blessed with a loving parent and I can only hope to give my daughter half as much as my mother gave me.
Novia...you said something that resonated and gave me an "Aha!" moment....you said "Find the beauty in the black and white". Why did that never occur to me? Thank you! And RealEyez, thank you for reminding me about this journey and how important every bit of it is.
I have my days. Some good and some bad. I need to get back to my spirituality and get back to basics. Please keep the wisdom coming ! I truly need this. I am glad I took the chance and showed my "face".

Much Light,

Rocco

hi i am relatively new to this forum but your message stood out to me as to why people join these sites.

you are calling out to help and we are all here to support you in your time of need. But have you tried reanalysing who you are now??? being said all the things in life happen to teach us something. i lost an aunt within a few months to cancer, she was like a mother to me as she was childless herself and we were extremely close. now it took a long long time to reach a space in myself where i could even think of her without the 'blackness' crawling in. so what i do is i dedicate a little thing to link me to her. she was very into aromatherapy so everytime i have a bath i put a drop or two of a certain oil in and reminisce, and she is with me.
to me that is part setting time aside to be who i am and relax in this crazy world but also in that relaxed state and peace of mind it allows me to think of her and it is a positive experience. its more about who she was and how she influenced my life (and still does) than the fact i have lost her.
honestly the loss will always stay with you, but try and find something that resonates her energy and include it in your life and you may feel closer than you think, therefore not as lost.

i hope i have given you any comfort you need and if you want to chat about anything feel free to email me.
blessed be
cara

Oh honey, reading your post brought tears to my eyes.  I too had that type of mother and relationship with her.  I lost my mom a little over 2 years ago.  She went from being active and vibrante and "all knowing" (at least for me) to incredibly ill in a matter of weeks, unable to care for her self, and then past less than 9 months later.  I think I cried everyday of her illness (not in front of her or anyone) and for weeks after her death.  I still cry, and I still miss her.  I hardley speak to my siblings ~ some of it from before she was sick, and some for their behavior during Moms illness and for the things they did after her death.  I had quit my job in order to take take of her, and it was so hard going back.  I didn't want ot get out of bed either, but I did, every morning, if for nothing more to take care of my son because I KNEW Mom would just kick my ass if she knew that I wasn't taking care of her grandson, and I wasn't allowed to "fake it" or "put on an act" for him.  It had to be the real thing.  Just because you go through the motions, kids still know if its real or not, and they need the real thing in order to be happy, healthy, and balanced.  He also had a very close realationship with his grandma ~ when she did pass, she came up to his school and said goodbye to him.  He began crying and left his class but would not tell his teacher why.

It will get better.  I, personally, love black & white art.  You like colour?  Then start adding colour to it.  Start small, pick your favorite colour or maybe your moms favorite.  Buy some flowers that your mom would have liked and put them in the room you are in most often.  Do you have any old black & white photos of you and your mom?  Take them and have them copied (you don't want to damage the originals) and then colour them ~ most photography shops and good art supply stores have the correct paints.  Add colour.  When you look at these items instead of missing her you can think of all that she added (colour included) to your life. Oh, and exercise!  The best way I have found to get out of the dulldrums and feel better about myself is to exercise.  Not only will you look better, but you will physically feel better and that is the path to feeling better emotionally.

I had been a member of this site back when it was on MSN, and I was a quite member.  I never posted anything, but I did read a lot.  A couple of months ago I just started feeling like I was missing something, and I found this site again and pulled out my boxes of books and scents and herbs and things (that had been unused since the onset of moms illness) and I became active again.  I feel better.  I am glad you decieded to "show your face", its a hard thing to do.  Everyone was here for me and we are all here for you too, we all help each other.  Its a good thing.  You are on your way.
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Newage, my deepest sympathy to you.  A couple of things you said really stood out for me and I hope you don't mind if I add my two cents as well.  

I lost both parents in a car accident.  One minute they were on their way to visit for a long weekend, and the next minute the coroner's office was asking me permission to do autopsies and what mortician would be picking up their bodies.  All the color ran out of the world for me as well.  Literally!  Everything looked washed out.  I remember the sun coming out from behind the clouds at the burial and I was offended that anything would want to be bright or fair ever again.  I was forced to battle through my stunned state of mind and made all the decisions on settling their estate.  I denied I was depressed for over a year.  I thought I was being there for my kids.  It wasn't until I filled out a questionnaire at a Dr's office, and the Dr. stated emphatically that I was actually in a deep state of depression that I realized how I wasn't fooling anyone except myself.

It's all right to let your daughter know how much you're hurting.  My kids weren't fooled at all but went along with my self denial, it was their way of trying to be supportive.  When I admitted I was lost and it was going to take some time for me to heal, my kids accepted it graciously and it gave them a chance to practice compassion.  You will be surprised at how well your daughter will be able to console you with her love.  It will not be too much for her little shoulders to bear.  And if you are having trouble sleeping, or find yourself too isolated please, please seek help either from a traditional Dr. or an herbalist.  (Personally I would seek the herbalist.  Herbs are much kinder on body systems than some of the pharmacueticals Drs. will prescribe.)  I have walked a similar path, felt similar feelings (I couldn't, and still have difficulty, feeling the presence of my parents' spirits and haven't spoken to my sister in 15 years-another long story) and I have healed.  There is beauty in the world and you will be able to see it again someday.      Email me anytime you need to talk, if you want.

You are all so wonderful! I will write more in depth when I have some time but I just wanted you all to know I read all the wonderful support you have offered and I am going to start trying to live instead of just existing. I have gone back to the gym and actually went out last night to do a cleansing/blessing on a friends' house. I also made plans to do some volunteer work for an animal rights group on sunday for a couple of hours....I am trying to get back out there. It feels good. I need to find that spark again. I know it is there, it is up to me to find it and live it.
I just couldn't do this without you all! I am not alone and I am realizing that. Funny how grief has a way of making one feel as if they are the only ones feeling such pain.
I just can't say thank you enough!

Rocco

your welcome hun. remember you are never alone! just email if ya need someone there!!!!!!!

All I can offer is ...she is with you by your side she may not be able to be there physically but no doubt I am sure she is there
Hugs