My frustration levels have peaked. I have destroyed several large sticks in my rage and now I am exhausted. I need to write this down or I might just collapse.

I am a senior in highschool this year, but ever since my freshman year we have had this event every April called, "The Day of Silence". For those who are unfamiliar with the term, it is a day where people take a vow of silence for the day in sympathy with the gay/lesbian/bi/transgendered plight. They also wear a special bright orange t-shirt that explains why they are remaining silent.

Last year, my Junior year, I was taking part in this day (as is my custom). I was coming down the stairs from my locker and heading towards my Math classroom. I was roughly half-way down the stairs when I felt some one grab my backpack. The stairwell was very crowded and I could not turn around due to the grip on my bag and the traffic.

The guy who was grabbing me called me a "dyke" and then shoved me down a flight of stairs.

You would think that people would gasp in horror or run for help. At the very least you would expect for some one to help me off of the floor. Well, you would be wrong because none of these things happened. I was lying stunned and bruised at the bottom of a school staircase and no one so much as glanced my way.

I managed to get to a friend of mine who helped me to the nurse's office. Turns out I had very badly sprained my wrist and bruised several of my ribs. The nurse said it was a bloody miracle I hadn't cracked my skull on the concrete steps.

So this year, I was really conflicted about whether I wanted to partake again or not. In the end I decided to do it and I was trated like a china figurine, which is vast improvement over last year.

I just can't stop thinking about those bastard peers of mine who left me injured at the bottom of a stairwel. Those people who would ignore an injured classmate. Goddamed animals! Who cares what I was standing up for? Who cares if I am straight, gay, or secretly a man? I am a human being just like any of you!!! I deserve to be given that basic human consideration!

Needless to say, I feel like shit. It has been roughly a week since the day of silence passed and I am still having stair nightmares. I trip and I just keep falling and falling...it never ends. I light incense, make herbal teas, meditate before bed, talk with friends about what happened....EVERYTHING! I am falling apart at the seems and don't know what to do.

I see these people everyday at school and can't help but think, "If I fell down these stairs right now and started bleeding all over the place, would you so much as lower your gaze to me?"

Any guidance is welcome. I have hit rock bottom.


--Adrasteia

W elcome Adrasteia...Keep on keepin on, hold your head high. I know it can be hard, but sometimes the past is better left as the past....all we can do is learn from it and move on...I am sorry this happened to you, but i must say you have found this wonderful site with caring people....W elcome home....


Light and love
sylverk

W elcome to OdSS and thank you for posting your plight.

It indeed is horrible that you endured such criticism from someone who may not even know you. I can completely empathize with you over the entire thing. I have participated in the "Day of Silence" also. It seems that what someone said about not talking about it enough, may be the answer. You see, the speaking cards that we give out to people, may have an impact to people who actually read. Most often than not, people are lazy and don't want to deal with flyers of any type. On another note, the shout out after 5 o clock should have made more impact on people, than the silence all together. What I'm getting at, is that even though it's a really good cause, it takes civil people to do this around. Perhaps next time, there should be a gathering somewhere in town, a busy street corner perhaps where this should be done. Many times, high schoolers aren't mature enough to understand the message that is being taught.

Furthermore, I have the same issue in life. I dwell on the past and no matter what the harm was that was done to me, it hurts me continuously over many years. It's almost like a car crash. You do everything in your power not to have another one, but sometimes it's inevitable. The traumatic experience will live in you forever, and you'll never have any peace of mind if you never let it go. The person who pushed you down the stairs wasn't thinking, "Hey what if he/she gets hurt" ...he simply knew that this was the only way to get his point across. His type of free speech if you will.

It's wrong what he did...but it's even more wrong if you let it continue to hurt you. Lucky you didn't break anything...lucky you didn't end up in the hospital. However from the standpoint that another took, take this as a lesson and also realize..that just because you're in a crowded room, screaming at the top of your lungs, it doesn't necessarily mean people will look at you and wonder what's wrong. There may have been many things flowing through those minds, whether being busy with conversation, or thinking that you fell and didn't want to embarrass you. Please understand, the people you meet in high school have no bearing on who you are or who cares about you. They are simply a collective bunch who go to school to get into cliques and go about their way.

Don't worry about it. They will not be there in 10 years when you need them. Worry about yourself. Take hold of every situation and think "How can I do something about this.." and you will find a more peaceful path. Relying on others to help with something, will only leave you disappointed in the end.


/ramble off

I hope that made sense. I'm sorry for sounding so long-winded. It's before classtime and I'm still sleeping in my bed at home, even though my body is at the University awaiting History class.

Adrasteia, you should be very proud to be taking part in the "Day if Silence" and the experience you had last year tells just how important it really is and how much work is still needed. It gives me so much hope that the younger generation is willing to stand up for what is right and to be open about who they are.

I was tormented from the sixth grade on. Just because of a simple compliment I had made about sombody. I had a classmate ( a female)who had started dating a boy and was telling me about it. I think i may had said somthing like he was cute or somthing llike that ( I graduated high school 150 years ago LOL) Well from that time on I was teased and had been beaten up a few times. my nickname was "gay bray" (my last name) from then on. There were time when I did not think I could face another day because this happened day after day after day and back then this was somthing that NOBODY talked about. I was brought up in an area that dancing was considered another form of sex except you were standing up.

I guess what I am trying to get at is never give up. It dosent matter who you are as long as you are the best you can be.

(Oh and by the way I am a very proud gay man)

You decided to not only hold a certain view but to make an outward demonstration of your view. Unfortunatley you met with some negative consequences of your demonstration. As you grow you will realize that sometimes when you take a stand you just might be the only one standing or in your case falling. Sorry about the bad joke. There are important lessons to learn in life and some important battles to be fought. Only you can decide which ones they will be. Let the lesson be that choices must be made and consequences accepted. As you age you will learn that you chose fewer battles but the ones you chose you will fight with more intensity. Learn the lesson and chose your path. We met many wonderful people on the way andd a few bad ones but in the end we all walk alone. I am glad you are OK[/font]