Q: What doesn't a ghost need in his house?

A: A living room!


Q: What is the surest way to double your money?

A: Fold it!

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a
lawyer?

A: An offer you can't understand.


Q: What's the difference between an angry circus owner and
a Roman hairdresser?

A: One's a raving showman, the other is a shaving Roman.

The teacher was telling the class about plants that have
the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog
violet. She asked the class if they could name another
flower with the prefix "dog." Steven raised his hand and
said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie'flower!"



Q: What kind of shoes do frogs wear?

A: Open toad!


Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: "It's cute... but can it pick up peanuts?"

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

STUDENT: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."



Q: Why did the bacterium cross the microscope?

A: To get to the other slide.


Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?

A: Because they have cotton balls.

Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the
other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"

The other replied, "You're darn right we're poisonous!
We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"

To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue."

Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

A: Kids won't eat broccoli.


Q: What was the Pilgrims' favorite kind of music?

A: Plymouth rock.

OK! Two mushrooms start to go into a bar (heh! this could happen, well down Alice's hole it could, lol)
One tells the other "We are not allowed in there! They will throw us out!"
The other says "I don't care! I'm going in!" So in they go.
The barman sees them and shouts "Out! Get out we don't want your kind in here!"
So the mushrooms leave very dejectedly, the second Shroom turns to the first and says "Hey! They can't do that to us!" turns and strides back into the bar.
Tha barman yells, again "Hey! We don't serve your kind here!"
The mushroom looks at him and says "Why not? We're fungi's?"

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

Thank you Angi for sending this to me!!

A noted professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex".
When he was introduced he stood up and said, "Ladies
and gentlemen it gives me great pleasure........."

... and then sat down promptly.

------------------------------------------------------------


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of
Home.'

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'"

If a mute swears, does his Mother wash his hands with soap?


Q: What does the Gingerbread Boy have on his bed?

A: Cookie sheets.


Q: Kind of shorts do clouds wear?

A: THUNDERWEAR!

Q: What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?

A: Close the door, I'm dressing!


Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?

A: Between us, something smells.

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic
camera and saw it flash. Astounded that he had been
caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit,
he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by
the camera. Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe
it! So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the
camera. AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it
must have a fault, and home he went.

Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail,
all for not wearing a seatbelt.

Q: What does the richest person in the world make for
dinner every night?

A: Reservations.


Q: Why don't chickens play sports?

A: Because they hit fowl balls.

Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?

A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!




Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

A. No body

Halloween Math
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference
of your jack-o'-lantern by it's diameter?

A: Pumpkin pi.