If you think a goblet is a young turkey....
If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse....
If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl....
If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team....
If your Bard plays the banjo....
If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars....
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....
If you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....
If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all !"....
If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker....
If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun....
If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff....
If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21....
If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag....
If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle....
If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still....
If you use an engine block for an altar....
If your High Priestess is your cousin - as well as your wife....
If your pickup truck has an Athame rack....
If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....
If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar....
If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top....
If you think a "family tradition" is a dating club...
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade....
If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks".....
If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do"....
If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame".....
If your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest....
If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...
If your anointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...
If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg...
If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom....
If your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu...
If you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View
wrestling on TV...
If your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a cold "Bud"...
If your coven sword says "Power Rangers" on it...
If your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it....
If your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick and a
1-900 number...
If your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy
500....
If your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says "Chevrolet" on it....
If you chose "Jim Bob" or "Stormin Normin" as a magickal name...
If you think charging is done with a Master Card...
If your Balefire says "Coleman" on it...
If your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're NOT neccesarily a redneck Pagan, but if your covenstead's up on blocks, well......
If your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blind-folded with a
confederate flag and leg-wrestling...
If your idea of a Pagan festival consists of a tailgate party and
tickets to the superbowl...
If your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks...
If your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at
"Hooter's"...
If you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm equipment...
If you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a
potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess...
If your anointing oil is 30 weight....
If you have EVER worked love magick on livestock ...AND FAILED.... You are definately a Redneck Pagan!

My sides hurt from laughing! Thanks for sharing this joke!

Fell off my chair laughing.
Now I know what to do with the engine block, but I prefer 40 weight oil. Now I know what to do with the cattle prod hanging on the wall!
LOL

Sundown

Sundown,

You have a cattle prod????

(ohmy)

I am gonna laugh about this one all day. Puts me in mind of some of our locals.

Kath

I just moved down south(to NC)...and I think I have run across some of these fine folks during the course of my local travels. Notice I said run ACROSS, not over.... don't want any bad redneck karma.

Thanks for the giggles
aa)

"If your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it...." doesn't everyone's? (truck)

Thanks so much for sharing the giggles.

LOL - those are not right!

Thank you for enabling me to finally clean my computer monitor most thoughly, since I spewed Starbucks all over it as I was reading you list!

If your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy
500....
This is my husband's idea of a sacred circle for sure


If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all !"....
I personally like this one!


I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to fall over! Having lived in the south (south texas no less) I can totally relate!

So glad everyone else got as much of a laugh as I did from it!!

OMG that discribes alot of covens here in Nebraska......lol

OMG thanks Im gonna be laughing all night at this one. I needed a pick me up before work...

This was definitely very witty. Thank you for making my day a funny one!

Those are great.  

you've reached the third degree, but not the third grade.... hoho!!! I've met a couple of those!!! harhar.... The town of Shelburne I'm sure is home to all of those...